yours truly,

2:05 a.m.

2011-07-02T01:19:00.002+08:00

Life, as we know it - can never be understood no matter how hard we try.

We go through life, as mundane as it may be and sometimes we lose sight of where we are heading, or what we are doing.

But random happenings will manifest itself; in the form of a book, a passage one chance upon, a conversation, a realization, a brief thought.

They remind us that we are here, still. Shouldn't we then be grateful?

For another day, another minute, another second.

another chance.

And I picked up my fingers again

2011-02-27T18:11:00.002+08:00

I've realized just recently that it had been ages since I have read a good book. A story book to transport me to times past, present and future. A book to push my bed time later than usual, risking blank stares and blurry thoughts the following morning. Atenolol, paracetamol-wha?

Thus in the midst of all the other work still pending (despite being already a working woman, I do still have assignments to complete, presentations to present and a research paper to write-how mad can we get?), I picked up a book from the shelf and started to read.

The book was The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri.

I found myself daydreaming about the characters, thinking about them as I drive to work, as I bathe, as I eat, looking forward to the time when I cosy myself on the bed with the book before retiring for the night.

Suffice to say, I Missed reading. With a capital M.

While on the subject of picking up old habits, this distant memory of distinctly owning a blog stole itself into my consciousness.

Reading what I have written, I marvel at how time passes by so stealthily, nay a noise.

So here I am again, having words manifest themselves from the brain through the nerves to the muscles to the screen. Random words with constant erasing of grammatical boo-boos and spelling errors-I'm convinced my England is going down the longkang.

But of it feels so good.

......

Would wearing one's heart on one's sleeves be better than being sensitive to others' feelings?

Breeze on the hill

2010-09-16T01:03:00.003+08:00

Driving to work each morning, I always look forward to a special part of that daily pilgrimage-this slope upon which my mom's old car would sputter, groan and slow down to the chagrin of the fellow behind me.

Slowly but surely, the car would climb to the top, and from the top, the view of the skies is breathtaking to say the least, each day a little bit different - the colours would be splashed in multiple hues and the order of the clouds never the same.

And on top of that hill, I would linger as long as I could and it would remind me of how fortunate we are, and how beautiful the world is.

Experience is truly a guru of the master class, and I am a student of the world.

She is learning to be someone of whom she is proud of.

But what she is already, is reason enough to be glad.

A thought before slumber

2010-07-13T23:29:00.003+08:00

Being a product of a Sekolah Kebangsaan, the presence of other types of schooling systems has never registered in my head.

The choice was to either go to a Chinese school or a Kebangsaan school. Although I do regret a little, the lack of the grasp of my mother tongue and language; growing up in a national school environment has enriched my life in ways impossible to imagine.

I am who I am, from the environment I grew up in, from the 'Tiang' game to 'Buaya' to 'Getah' and other one word creations to humor our young selves.

Now, being 24 and knowing personally, products of private or international institutions as well as people who send their children to those schools; I can see for myself first hand, the benefits of the alternate education system, the IP (international/private) schooling system.

Children from IP schools seem to be more opinionated and most importantly, have an opinion on things and this important trait can never be more underestimated. To teach children to think for themselves, to me is one gift that lasts a lifetime. We don't want a submissive society do we?

Of course not. Die lah if we have tyrants in the government. *ahem.

What about the quality of teachers?
Do IPs really have better teachers? I don't know about that and
I haven't been to school since 2005 but from the things we read and hear of with regards to national schools, it makes me nervous.
Rape cases in classrooms, children playing truant. I do know that times are a-changing and the children aren't what they were before.
It makes me want to pray that we would at least have enough good teachers to make positive imprints in children all over.

And oh, the YoYo-ness of the Malaysian education system? From English to Malay to English to Malay to English..haiyoh. Make up your mind please. And now, talk of abolishing UPSR and PMR. What next?

My plea to you is that even if you do make a decision, please stick to it long enough to really see the effects before starting on another round-about journey.

I'd like to make a poll and find out how many politicians, whose actions directly influences the lives of thousands of children actually send their children to national schools. Just to satisfy my curiosity.

Btw, IMHO, UPSR should stay but PMR may go. You do need some methods to measure students and UPSR allows us to gauge the levels of the children at the end of the Primary education, in order for us to better prepare them and find out the work cut out for us to guide them through the next phase of school.

And the best way to measure that is to have a STANDARD method of measurement. Logical right? But of course, it's different when you get to the pre-uni stage, that's why we have multiple methods to enter University.

Because grow up already mar-no need standardization all one..what for?

PMR? To me, it's not that important actually. Results should not be the only determinant on whether one goes on to do Science or Arts.

But then, the problem to me is not that we have too many examinations. The problem is we focus too much on excellence and strive solely towards that goal. With that, comes pressure-from parents, from school, from within children themselves. Because they know that excellence gets rewarded and failure equates punishment.

Maybe it's time to really focus our energy and spotlight on something else.
Like guiding children who need an extra hand and an understanding presence in this journey of school. We need to let our children in on a little secret, that it is okay to not do well in exams, so long as you did your best because the world is your oyster.
Like exploring the talents of our children and encouraging them, even if that means a string of alphabets in the report card instead of just A's.
Like celebrating children who overcame adversity to achieve what other people might perceive as 'mediocrity' but in actual fact, greatness of the spirit.

Why not we highlight children who embraces and epitomizes strong values? Like love, friendship, generosity, togetherness?
Why not we let such heroes remind ourselves and the children that what's important is just being true to yourself?

But I digress.

At this juncture, I really dread to think that one day, I would have to make that choice for my children, and I really want to do right by them. To give them the opportunities to fluorish.
But of course, if I have the money to spare that is, because IP don't come cheap you know.

Which is sad isn't it? When it is so difficult to make that decision. One that could make all the difference in the world.

Just surfin' surfin' surfin'

2010-07-12T23:28:00.002+08:00

Dei.

Online Shopping is so blardy easy!

and Cheap!

Ohmaigosh...

Should I, should I not?

The million dollar question indeed.

ARGH.

I know that...[1]

2010-07-10T23:56:00.006+08:00

I know Oprah has been doing this since the inception of 'O'; but an article that I read today on this-personal truths caught my eye and spirit.

So I think I'd want to to start a series on my personal truths, whenever they hit me. My 'A-ha' moments (gotta love Mama Oprah), things that I know to be true, probably interspersed with my values, if you will.

...

Part 1 :

I know for sure that things happen for a reason.

In life, oftentimes we face forked stoned-paved paths that curved downwards, blocking what is ahead from our view. The left one? or the right? Uncertain of what's ahead, we get crippled by fear. And we find ourselves standing at this crossroads for the longest time, head and heart askew.

Or while we are happily skipping on a chosen path, we tripped on a stone and fall, tumbling onto the road, or the grassy bank. And we find ourselves sitting there for the longest time, nursing a scraped knee, tears welling-up, threatening to be free.

As things unfold, we question ourselves, we think of the Why. We question the Universe, we converse with God. We curse, we could not understand or we don't want to, sometimes.

But as we pick ourselves up and take the first step towards a chosen road; as we stick a plaster to our knee (after washing with clean water and applying antiseptic), we find that we are now open to opportunities that would not have been there if not for that experience, that perceived injustice that had happened to us.

And we find that we are not alone in this, that our backs and buttocks are always being supported, that the choices we make will work out in the end. For both roads are perfect and right in its own special way.

With a plastered knee we trod along, the roses still bloom, the leaves of the trees still sway oblivious. And everything comes into place in its own time. Highly probable that it may not be tomorrow, or the day after, but in its own time. And when that arrives, we realize that we are blessed.

For the human experience, is a journey. A journey of little moments-the jolts and brakes; the light and pretty.
Either way, a journey without an end.
Just the way it's supposed to be.

I forgot the password to my Blog

2010-07-10T01:20:00.002+08:00

Dear Blog,

Esther mentioned about my blog being, well, very much dead - which is true, for I have not visited it myself for the past 3 months? I didn't have the urge to write, even in my own Diary - private until the death, that's for sure.

But I picked up the pen again, the other day and well here I am, finding myself typing 'pottypopiah.blogspot.com' on that white thingy you type URL's in. I'm not techno-savvy enough to know what it's called. Not even sure if the term URL is even correct. URL : Ultra Rightist Leftie?

Life has been interesting, life has been a blessing, life has been rough; life has been very fickle with me. And dear Hao Shen, I'm still bubbly and I love life, always in awe of the awesomeness in the air we breathe; but I think I'm more cynical now [ which I don't like very much, I might add :( ] Maybe one day I will lose that, it's a phase I need to get through. :)

I guess life throws me lessons that I need to learn, necessary for me to grow and be more centred, whole and true.

I'm going to graduate soon, onto a new phase of life. Excited? A little. Terrified? You have no idea, man. Being a true blue Taurean, change is not my best friend but nothing is ever constant but change. I'm changing, to receive change. To embrace it with all my heart.

I'm truly blessed, life has been enlightening. I'm grateful I don't have to pay back my PTPTN (Hahahahaaha *delirious)
and my Thesis went well, after all that stress; truly a manifestation of everything happening for a reason.

and

if I am incredibly lucky to get that award that come with that oh-so-mouth-watering cash prize, I'm able to pay back my parents and my education is F-R-E-E! Which is what I've always wanted.

I was happy to be shortlisted of course, but it wasn't foremost on my mind. But then..after the interview and learning how much it would mean- oh man. I really really want it! The other students who were there deserve it too I know, and I know deep down that I would be happy for the person who wins it.

But macha, winning it would be crazy wei.

I'm grateful for the chance lar of course.
So stop dreaming about it already! But I really want to make a Valedictorian speech-like you see in movies? Although people might be busy cam-whoring, but thinking bout it gives me goosebumps.

Oh well, either way, I'm grateful. *silent prayer*

Thank you. :)

Can't sleep

2010-04-09T01:14:00.002+08:00

Tired?

What about me?

Nothing to say.

Saaaaturday

2010-04-03T23:48:00.004+08:00

Honesty's the best policy, as they always say - most irritatingly.

But that's what I want, at this conjuncture of life- to be more honest with myself and the people around me.

Being nice is hard, it's tiring, it's quite some energy-sucking monster.

I want to be true, to be good to the core of me, to have a heart, a heart of warmth and kindness.

Kindness.

Now there's a word I don't hear often. Or often enough.

Oh man. I don't feel like myself recently, seems easily irritated.

Which is why I'm glad I'm home. Keeps me grounded. And safe. And I feel more like me again. Wholesome. Yeah, right.

...

Thoughts manifests themselves into reality, interestingly.

I was missing the gang, and Pei Sze came back and we had drinks at Jeth on Friday night.

Was thinking bout Popeye's and the family and I had that for dinner.

I kind of lost touch with Chandhu, and we met up for breakfast today. =D

Was thinking bout Esther, and I met her parents and aunt at the Optometrist's. Okay maybe that one was a bit off. But still.

And I went to watch a movie with the family after soooo long.
Was sitting there and wondering when was the last time we went to the movies together. Almost a year I think. The dynamics have changed quite a bit as now I'll watch with Adam; parents will watch every Weds by themselves (sometimes even on Tuesdays) and brother...well, he has my cousin, or he'll happily go alone.

But today, there were the four of us. Two buckets of popcorns and as usual, brother and I gobbled up parents' share as well.

And as I sat there, I remember....

That my dad likes to comment during movies.

A lot.

and Loudly.

And I had to shrink in my seat. lol.

But I love him anyways.

...

And I had McDonaldswantanmee,sweetpotatoes,sakaesushi,toastbread,currychicken,popcorn,BBQplaza today

Yum.

and I love my bed.

And I should study or at least work on my thesis.

But I'm sleepy...

and I think I should sleep.

Yes yes yes.

I should.

.....

And oh! It was raining and I was walking to class and...random poetry. What's better than randomness?

Murder is in the smell of the
Rain
The skies are heavy,
With droplets
And it poured.
Oh it poured.

Lightning sparked across the skies
It THUNDERED.
Oh it thundered
And blood gushed...down.

The dirty stains
Drew patterns
on the muddy soaked floor.
Spoke of heartless killings
Cold. Bloody. Shiver.

Oh when it rained
Murder reigned.

Peer closely,
See the snuffed lives
On the floor,
See pieces

Pieces of the soul.

Look closely,
and see

Ye crushed, murdered

Snails.

10 minutes break. Oh wait. it's 15 already. Shit.

2010-03-16T22:37:00.004+08:00

Luck.

Simple word eh? But fuyooo...brought about so many question marks.

Luck.

It used to be so easy, when people ask me, how did you do so well in exams?
I find myself inadvertently answer, "Well, I was lucky."
Because I felt like I did not do extra nor do something so very exceptional. I wasn't a true-blue 10-hours-a-day studying type. The truth was, nothing makes me happier than to laze on the couch with the TV or with a good book. Which, to many felt like a complete and utter untruth.

When in actual fact, I do, completely and utterly tend to laze my butt off.

So I got straight A's.
Luck?

And I got my first choice for University applications.
Luck?

I thought so.
Until I felt as if my luck ran out, not too long ago.

Which got me thinking, was it really luck or was I being naive,
Or am I just trying to make myself feel better.

Already swirling thoughts was made even more tornado-like when there was this article on this topic on the Sunday Star. About how, it's not about luck, it's about seizing every opportunity there is and being open to looking for these opportunities.

Hmmm. Makes sense, no?

I don't know.

I do know that it has a little to do with belief.
So what if it wasn't really luck, or whether ye' ol' Lady Luck is alive and well.

If I believe that things will turn out good and that the Universe is looking after moi,

It will.

At this moment at least, I do feel that yes, our fate is in our hands, but.

There's nothing wrong with having a little faith.

And emptiness now and then.

....

Adoi.....

I have faith that all will be good...and my thesis will be awesome!

AwEsOmE

Awesome?

a.w.e.s.o.m.e.

The universe will take care of me one...hor?

I should be studying but.

2010-03-07T20:31:00.002+08:00

I really don't know what to do,
Except to stay here and wait,
Patiently for you.

I am myself, I am me.
But I am lost
Inside of you.

I need to search,
The lost me-
And stand.
On my feet.

To stay here waiting,
Waiting for you.

Idle time

2010-02-24T19:53:00.004+08:00

Time is a-fleeting by like nobody's business.
Trying to catch but to no avail.
Life's a-filled with much, sometimes mesiness;
But behold, self will prevail.

Reading about Ah Fook in The Star (the disabled keropok seller who spent Chinese New Year alone) brought unexpected tears to my eyes.

Because in spite of all the fatigue and the happenings that might look remotely like faeces, I'm still blessed.

Yeap.

Thinking of blessings seems harder to do, but when you do it - it blows you away.

...

So with the whole lot of thinking that had to be done, in spite of it all, I had some time to think about me. About who I am as a person and how I perceive others:

1. I've realized that I love eating breakfast.

2. And eating it alone.

3. That I'm more sensitive to others' feelings than I thought.

4. And that, the reverse is not true.

5. That I need to look out for myself more

6. But how to, when selflessness is perceived as good?

Dilemma, dilemma.

8. That I'm quite contradictory

9. No, I'm not.

lol.

10. Yes, I am.

11. That I think too much

12. Think waaay too much

13. That I have to learn to stick to one, and go with the flow. No turning back! Not a peek!

14. That common chivalry and courtesy is wafting slowly away..*pew pew* *bye bye*

15. That asking is so blardy difficult.

16. And scolding too.

17. But that both are absolutely necessary.

18. That life is good and sweet.

19. And nothing beats a favourite tune coming on, when you least expect it. *dum dum*

20. That a child's cheeky smile reminds you that all is good.

21. That I'm not perfect.

22. That lesson has yet to sink into my grey matter in my head.

23. But will, eventually.

24. That I need to recover my faith.

25. In myself.

26. That I hate period cramps

27. That life is not a dress rehearsal (there's only one!) [read this in a book]

28. That I am me. he he he

29. Silly, gila, naughty, serious, calm, chaotic, random

30. Me.

Gobble Gobble

2010-01-23T23:52:00.004+08:00

Pharmacy Night is a week away

....Shiiiiiit-ake mushroom.

Global Youth Symposium

....

Test next week

...

THESIS

...

Health Marathon

......

@$%^%^!#@# !!!!

Fuyoh.

I need a break. But a break seems elusive.

A bit farneee no? I always say I need rest but I seem to take on more and more.
It's a disorder I need to fix.
I need an emotional and mental check-up really.

How nice if I can gobble up everthing and have nothing on my plate.

I would savour every taste with utter relish.

Yum.
Chocolate coated projects, difficult people roasted with potatoes and mayo and tuna.

Yum Yum.
Mashed paperwork with steamed speeches and scrambled grammar check.
Strawberries-topped phone calls and fried restless nights-hokkien styled.

Delish.

Oh what's that?

I cleaned my plate? Already?

...

And oh.

Don't worry too much about me, I'm alright =)

If my posts seem very emo, its just that my blog's the only avenue to vent emo stuff. Which is healthier than keeping it in, no?

Having said that, I'm still me. ~~Older~~, wiser and a less wet behind the ears.

Banyak orang banyak ragam.
Memang benar kata orang tua-tua.

2010-01-05T22:49:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry.

I'm tired.

I'm tired it's my fault.

I'm tired of always having to carry baggage in my heart.

To not let it go.

Just. tired.

Justwanttoliedownandcryandsleep.

Time

2009-12-23T10:59:00.006+08:00

365 days of laughter and memories.

365 days of love.

Happy Anniversary Dear,

Love,
Baby.

Indeed

2009-12-23T10:54:00.002+08:00

I should do the things that I want to do.

Sometimes.

It's just that I have to know what I want to do in the first place.

And sometimes, it's not as easy as it seems.

tick tock

2009-12-16T14:31:00.002+08:00

8 a.m
The cock crows
The newspaper beckons

9 a.m.
We love OPRAH!!!
and
Food too, of course

10 a.m.
Dad's home
To the land of internet we go!
The laptop's switched on....*tap tap tap fingers on table*

11 a.m.
Going bonkers with e-mails

12 p.m.
Seeing circles on monitor screeen
Where's my FoOOOD?!?

12.30 p.m.
Food arrives =D =D =D Happy Me.
Sudah habis The Star, The Sun pulak.

1 p.m.
Tap Tap Tap on keyboard and/or
other things to do

2 p.m.
as above

3 p.m.
as above

4 p.m.
boring kan?

5 p.m.
Where's mom?!?

5.30 p.m.
Sudah datang!

My life for now.

Guilty as charged

2009-12-04T22:14:00.002+08:00

Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.

*Sigh.

This is what happens when you're at home and your thesis is only yours to do.

You PROCRASTINATE!

*Slaps self x 1000*

Flip Flip Flip

2009-12-04T11:28:00.005+08:00

Am flipping through (like pages) blogs / sites offering clothes/accessories for sale; triggered by Esther's tales of getting a hair straightener.

~~I'm supposed to be doing my thesis.~~

I must say, things are actually pretty cheap! And very the tempting.

But cannot lar. Something's stopping me. The Penang kiam-siapness probably. Heh.

Though I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if I would loosen my purse strings a little *wriggly fingers like Ebenezer Scrooge* for pretty little things to wear and twirl in. Look at me Look at me!

haih. But no.

Not now. Now I'm just a pig-nerd-in-glasses; whose spending is limited to good food and loads of books to add to the collection; untouched and unread yet.

I'm thinking maybe later, when I earn my own money? Then I'll probably be the first in line to shopping malls. Buying trendy things that make people's eyes pop. For good reasons of course. Because I'm so darn hot that's why.

And buying my mom a designer bag.

OMG. My goals so materialistic one. Beh tahan. lol.

But shit la.

The cocktail dresses online are so drool-worthy.

Donkey betul. -__-

Random

2009-11-26T10:58:00.001+08:00

It's not easy managing people.

People step all over my head like crazy.

I can be nice,

But please don't take advantage of me.

Because I can blow up one day. And then you better run for cover.

Eyes Half Shut

2009-11-23T21:36:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I wish all the Gods in this world would merge and become one, instead of people exclaiming that theirs is the one true God.
Blasphemous?

I don't know.

What is right, what is wrong?

Who goes to heaven, and who to hell?
Disturbing ain't it, when people are condemned automatically to the depths of the fire.

I found that disturbing when I was younger, and it is disturbing to me still.
But with eyes more open now, it seems to me that humans are their worst enemy.
Distortions and twists, all borne out of fear and self-centeredness.

The ME in everyone, that feeds off glory and attention and perceived greatness.
That I am right, therefore you're wrong.
If I can prove you're wrong, therefore I'm right.

Which brings me to the question again,
What is right, what is wrong?

Mere words, that's what.

Sometimes it seems to me that the more I read, the more confused I get.
Hmmm.
I do believe in God
I believe what I believe and
I guess

that's it.
...

I woke up today with pretty bad swollen eyes.
Been thinking a lot.

Had breakfast, cleared my work and did my things.
Thought a lot.

Dropped by at the library and found a book that I've been dying to read:
Paul Coelho's The Alchemist
And it made me think too.

Made me think about life, love and everything in between.

Impermanence; that life is only worth what you lived it to be.
What is ours will fade away, for it is not ours to hold on to, at the very beginning.

Surrender; to live in the moment and to surrender.
To live and- if to die, it is as a good a day to die than any day.

Peace; beauty is around us if only we lift our heads to see it as it is.
Beautiful as always. Things will fall into place, for nothing else if not for the best.

The value of me, the value of who I am and what I believe in, the value of my actions and its consequences.

Of the truth I am afraid no longer.

As hard as it is for me to see it.
I have to learn,

That I am worth it.

Sunday

2009-11-22T20:39:00.004+08:00

It's Sunday night and I'm bored out of my wits.

Tears come for no reason and then they go away.

The highs and lows are back again, Feli.
Just when I thought that it was over.

But I have faith that it will go away. That I'll be stronger. That the both of us will be stronger. I'm 200% positive about that.

I believe that with all my heart.

....

Had fun with parents today.
Did a little bit of shopping, finally!
And gave mom her birthday present.
It's a pair of pink pearl earrings which luckily she liked; though I bought her earrings for her birthday countless times before. Heh.

Oh well, only like what 3 times only ma.
When you've bought so many birthday prezzies for the mom, you kind of run out of things to buy.
Wait la har. When I've earned loads of moo-lah, I'll buy her a holiday or some designer bag which I know she really wants but cannot afford.

Till then, hope that my love would make the small gifts suffice! *grins

....

I'm staying back in college out of choice.
For thesis sake and to settle a lot of things pending.

I thought I'll be okay, with the one I love being so close.
Closer than if I was home.
I figured we'd spend more time together, now with exams out of the way.

But right now I feel so blardy alone.

Ever more so than ever.

Rain rain go away

2009-11-21T17:15:00.003+08:00

Esther : Why your blog ah, always so depressing posts one.

Me : *grins* Depressed only have to express mar, so mah express on this void that is cyberspace lo.

Anyways, if its happy times, I'll tell people personally one. Malas want to write. Heh.

So in the spirit of this,

This post is also to exclaim that,

There's a cloud hanging over my head.
Sigh. I'm sure the cloud will go away very, very soon.

please?

I need a clearer head with sleep but sleep is avoiding my like a plague

2009-11-11T22:31:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder,

What have I gotten myself into?

Is it all that worth it?

...

Experienced the raw manifestation of sheer tactlessness today.

And what I absolutely beh tahan is that I allowed them to see me in a moment of weakness.

When I so needed strength- it deserted me.
A distinct reminder yet again, that I am only human.

I'm never quick to anger, but in this case -
I really cannot see the sincere intentions of it all; other than hypocrisy and narcissism.
At least at this very moment.

Which is really, very sad.

Belittling people covered in a thin, translucent shroud of an excuse;
dosn't justify the meaning of service in the smallest sense.

If you can't see that, then I wish you a happy life.
Like, sincerely.

And his fleece was white as snow

2009-10-21T20:23:00.003+08:00

Bored to tears so I changed to white on a whim.

So bright and cheery no?

*grins

Let's see how long this one will last.

Maidens and Monsters

2009-10-20T22:38:00.001+08:00

Very the long never the write the England oredi.
Suddenly feel the England very the fun!

Swirling, swoosh!

Flying thoughts, waving faintly back.

Swing and twirl, dropping

slow onto The feet.

Ah Words, glorious words.

Crisp morning, the smell of books!

Transport me to faraway lands of magic.

Of maidens and monsters, dwarfs and donkeys.

Eh wait. That's a horse.

Somwhere over the rainbow

2009-10-19T10:32:00.002+08:00

Somewhere along the line I forgot that the only thing that matters really, is that I've done all I could and did my best.

Somewhere along the way, I forget that I'm human like everyone else-that I err; that I'm not perfect.

I forgot that it's perfectly okay to be imperfect.

Somewhere along the road I forgot that to be a friend, I have to be a friend-and that nothing beats a cup of good tea (or several for that matter).

Somewhere whilst chasing the rainbow that seems lethally breathtaking,

I forgot to smell the roses by the side of the road and soak in everything; its bittersweet smell, its thorns, its beauty.

And somewhere along now, I remembered.

Faces

2009-10-17T20:20:00.002+08:00

I think it's hilarious that people can see my face and assume that I'm stressed.
Especially when I'm not, at that moment.

I know stress, and I try to avoid it;

But it's difficult when you have it spelled out to you so often.

If I'm stressed and I want you to know about it, I would tell you.

If not, I'm perfectly fine, no worries.

The mileage has gone over the roof

2009-10-08T23:12:00.003+08:00

PMS- ing like giler. But the timing's off what.

Why the tears won't stop flowing then?

Like so crazy one..Beh tahan.

I think it's the cleansing, servicing time.

But enough already!

Cis.

I need some endorphins

2009-10-07T19:31:00.002+08:00

I'm never one to wear my heart on me sleeves, me think.

Suck it in, why bother others with some burden of yours that will not aid in any way in what they coping with right now? For all you know, they might be barely surviving themselves.
So I just suck it in and cope, using all the mechanisms available.
Sleep,
relax,
a walk,
inspiration.

It's not working that well anymore.

I'm thinking that I should change my ways.
It's been a pretty rough few weeks; so caught up in so many emotions - sometimes finding it hard to find back the happy-go-lucky, devil-may-care me.
So much so that I feel that I've inadvertently pushed those closest to me away.

I wonder is it because I'm bottling everything up?
Would it be better to just spill whatever I'm feeling at that precise moment?

Anger, to react in anger,
Sadness, to show that emotion in all its glory.

But that's rarely me.
Good thing or a bad thing? I know shit.

....

Sadness.
That's where we diverge.

Different thoughts, expectations.

To go through each minute of the day with the thought of that hour plus moment in the not-to-distant;
A light that somehow help me find a way to survive suckiness, unhappiness, stress.
With the thought of that moment.
That closeness.

But when the time comes, just so much sadness.
To have it dissipate into nothingness.

It just breaks my heart to pieces.

2:25 a.m

2009-10-03T02:16:00.002+08:00

What a week, what a week.

Please give me strength.
And serenity

to accept the things I cannot change.

And the courage to change the things I can.

It's Friday.
Thank GOD.

What a week. *shakes head*
*Deep breath

Water

2009-10-01T19:17:00.001+08:00

The lesson I guess,

is humility.

Just got that while showering, lol.

I think I'll survive.

Oh wow.

2009-10-01T18:11:00.002+08:00

Blardy hell.
This has got to be the most stress-inducing semester ever.

Oh.my.god.

Never have I felt this helpless with the workload. It's so bad that the crazy notion entered my head, no matter how hard I try to push it way;
I felt shortchanged.
Felt like I always have to work doubly hard compared to everyone else in everything.

Which is nonsense really, because who am I do compare?
Who's to say whose burden is heavier than another?

Believe me, I can write a whole long list of discontentment if I'd want to but I know that wallowing in self pity is not the way to go.

As much as I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes I just want to curl up and go to sleep.
And forget about everything.

But I can't. And I know that I won't because I'm stronger than that.
The nonsensical part is that I know it, but I just don't feel it.
Which sucks a lot.

Tired.
I'm just very tired.

Specks of peace, smattering of love

2009-09-24T21:19:00.002+08:00

Adoi...

So much to do. tsk tsk.
Oh well.

I really needed this past week.
Was feeling like I was losing bits of myself prior to this; to what, I have no idea.
Probably to the idea of perfection.
To the extend of sacrificing self to obtain that? I don't think I want that anymore.
I think I'll just stick to the imperfect little me.

It's been a good week. Loads of stuff to do and I probably haven't finished half of what I set out to do, but it's still good. =)
Nothing beats home to rejuvenate the self. And a special someone as well, no doubt.

Let's see...
G-Force on Friday, got eaten alive by mosquitoes on Saturday-of which I had 200 earfuls from my parents about- and bawling my eyes out for Benjamin Button.
Yes. I finally watched that after god-knows-how-long.
Was crying so hard I woke him up. lol.
Being hugged so tight hasn't felt this good.

Basically slept away Sunday, shut meself up on Monday to do my proposal and Tuesday.
Oh Tuesday was fun-visiting an old friend of his family's.
Goes to prove that friendship transcends race and religion.

Weds was proposal Part II and Korean with the gang. Looking at the young couple who joined us that evening just made us think how far ahead we've gone in this thing called life. Makes one feel a whole lot older, really.

It's been 5 freakin years since Lower 6!
Wow.

In the words of Pau's, in another 5 years -we'd all be settling down with children, probably.
Hard to believe for some perhaps, but I do hope so. =)

And today. Assignments galore, and assignments to go. But here I am, reflecting upon a week that seemed trivial at first but turned out to be just what I needed.
Nothing much really, just my bed, my smelly pillow and a cup of hot milo in the mornings with the newspaper; crisp morning wind blowing through the stained door.

That's.all.I.need.

And tomorrow, oh tomorrow,
what with the oldest friend on the block, it'll be awesomeness!

May your days be sprinkled with specks of peace and a smattering of love.
For what's the world without love?

Sundays

2009-09-13T10:55:00.003+08:00

One day at a time - that's how I'm feeling at this point of my life.

I seem to have some fleeting glimpse of the future; my goals but they're fragmented and irregular. I wonder why, is it disillusionment? Or practicality seeping in, replacing all that is idealistic?

Is it part of growing up? Is the inner child dissipating? Oh no. Oh crap. Oh Shit.

Haih. Dra to the ma.

I want to be carefree, I want live.

Maybe I should work on being it rather than wanting it eh?

But I'm feeling the responsibilities on my back. Classic case of I can run but I cannot hide. They are there. In blocks, sitting quietly but looming at the corner, you KNOW they're there.
How to run ? Correct anot?

Correct Correct Correct.

I'm feeling many lessons being thrown my way. I'm learning to accept, to compromise, to think.
And I realized that my fuse is actually quite short, to my huge surprise.
I thought I've always prided myself as being patient.

Patient to some extent I guess.

And friendships? They are blardy important.
I tend to forget that sometimes,
I shouldn't and I won't.
Relationships. Beautiful stuff indeed.

Don't forget, dear self. That you're still here.
So live, already.
Correct?

Dazed

2009-07-27T13:11:00.002+08:00

Spinning heads;

Uncertainties,

Irritability.

When will my old self return?

..............

Sometimes I just want to lie down and cry.
But I can't.

So I end up wandering and wondering, and so very-dazed.

What's the lesson in this?

What?

Exhale.

2009-07-22T18:21:00.004+08:00

It was so difficult maintaining my composure in class.
I didn't want to appear shaken, I wanted to be the rock.

The optimistic.

I so badly wanted to look at the bright side of things but I just wanted to be alone in my room.

Alone with my thoughts, the sadness just poured out in bucketloads.
It stopped at intervals, at times when my head took over the reins - filling itself with inspirational sayings, beliefs, thought processes.

And yet when the heart wants to nudge the head over, it could with little resistance.

And the bucketloads start again.

It's hard not to be affected by this. I so badly wanted to do something that would be beneficial, something that I know I can do with my capabilities; something for the betterment of health and science.

Something that I can work on without any purpose other than for the quality and the potential of it.

I wasn't afraid of work. I wasn't looking for the easy one. I wasn't looking for a score-able topic.I just wanted knowledge and the chance to work on something that would utilize ME the most.

But it all boiled down to shitty luck.
The last I checked, I was wearing red underwear.
It freaking didn't work.

I cannot lie, it hurts. It hurts so blardy bad it's hard to remain the sunny me.

I know I can get through this, deep down inside I know that. The sun will rise again, the birds still chirp and everything still runs.

I know that life is what we make of it, and that I will make the most of the situation.

But at this blardy moment. It.hurts.

And then it was Fourth

2009-07-07T22:19:00.002+08:00

And so I'm back in University of Malaya.

So nice of the college admin; they gave me me old room back! Awesomeness.

And so classes will start tomorrow and along with it, endless assignments, discussions and fried brain cells.

Lack of sleep will soon follow and breathing becomes something to be reminded about.

This time it's different though. This time I'm a final year student. Old as old can be. In a year's time, I'll be embarking on a new phase of life, a new chapter, a new everything.

So here's to an amazing Final Year; memories, lessons and laughs.

Ahhh...Chooo. Excuse-moi

2009-07-04T12:35:00.003+08:00

Donkey betul..

Thought can enjoy to the maximum the last few days of holidays but kena quarantined pulak.
It's a choice I made; social responsibility man! lol.
I even stayed home two nights in a row while parents went out.

But should be okay I guess. I am monitoring my temperature religiously and so far no fever nor any symptoms of flu.
Out of social obligation, went to report myself to the hospital today but they will only test those with symptoms.
The person in charge said I don't even have to self-quarantine. -____- Adipavi!

Wanted to check into my hostel since I was already in KL but they will only check in medical students from Klang.
wahlao.

I'm also from Klang wat.

Oh well, at least I could bring mom to breakfast and spend some quality time.

Latent period of H1N1 is about 4 days which makes today the 4th day since my last contact with a patient.
So far feeling fine.
So yes, I will want to meet people tomorrow. Contact-Deprived!

"Nah. Drink this, the chinese medical hall fella say this herb is good for H1N1 one"

Wah. Got such thing one ar. Trust the sinseh for a cure for anything!
Sigh. Also have to drink la.

No worries, peeps!=) I'll just use the extra holidays to laze some more. lol.

Cheerios!

Mari adik mari abang!

2009-06-22T15:51:00.002+08:00

Stumbled upon this when I was rummaging through the net looking for a Malaysian song.

lol.

Makes you think of the good old days eh?

And its the karaoke version to boot!

Feel free to sing your hearts out everybody. Don't shy shy. Haha.

Moi? Fashionista? oOoo Merci!

2009-06-17T13:52:00.010+08:00

With this much time on my hands, it figures that I would start surfing aimlessly on the internet; and looking up sites that I wouldn't normally do.

Like this one :

Back in ye ol' days, I sometimes do lament the lack of branded or cool clothes; but I'm pretty glad that I'm past that stage (that's what I tell myself) and that I had that adolescent experience in the early millenium rather than now.

Looking at kids these days, they do grow up way faster than our generation: the 80s' babies.
When I was their age, I used to dress in my brother's oversized t-shirts. And the amazing part was that I thought I looked damn cool. Seriously. Together with that centre-parted short hair.
Can't imagine living through that again in this PSP, Nokia and Sony world. Boy am I glad that that phase is over..

Oh wait. I still have his old shirts in my cupboard but that's different....

I admittedly, am never informed about fashion, the trends and the like; influenced mainly by the lack of funds to splurge on 'Style Essential Buys' and 'Top 10 Things To Own in Your Wardrobe'.

If I have 20 bucks in my pocket, chances are I would buy another book with it. Obviously something I cannot wear.

I'm still a girl though, and I do enjoy fashion; shows that is. It's fun to see other people having makeovers and beautiful clothes. My closet favourite is still 'America's Next Top Model'.
Hard to guess eh?

Having browsed through several fashion pages, I do feel like a semi-pro.

Now all I need is the cash.

Darn.

Orbs

2009-06-16T17:57:00.004+08:00

OMG.

My parents are on this diet of Hokkien shows that I get inadvertently pulled into their world.

The world of *lim peh's' , am kor's and ah bu's ; of family turbulence and moral values.

Wahlau eh.

Siao liao.

See!?

And no. My Hokkien hasn't improved from all that, thankyouverymuch.

I know la. My grasp of the language sucks, but I really do regret not practicing it when I was younger. I can't remember when I started not speaking Hokkien that much, it just slips away. My household is about 95% English now.

Sigh.

I do wish I'm more fluent in my mother tongue. Half mother tongue at least.

* (in order) your father, but and mother

Oh great orb; whence will my mom's car get fixed?

...

Written words

2009-06-16T12:07:00.005+08:00

Mom : "Can start a warehouse sale lo"

-_-'"

...

Am in the middle of Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It's so true to me that I'm taking blardy long to finish it; just so I can swallow each word, digest and let it come out the other end.

And then do it all over again.

It's using up so many brain cells then I often end up lethargic and sleepy soon afters, before the clock strikes 12 even.
Perfect remedy for a good night's sleep.

Go Lakers Go Lakers Go!

2009-06-08T09:26:00.003+08:00

Kena tembak kau kau for not updating. lol.
Oh well!

It's always best to give everything you're doing, your all.

For example, if you're playing basketball, you should give it your 100%; faster, harder, stronger.

If you're working on a project, you should give it your utmost commitment.

So if you're on a holiday like yours truly, it's really quite obvious that you should do nothing but bummed your bum bum away.

Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon!

Yeap. That's basically what I've been doing these few weeks. Waking up relatively early, have some breakfast, read the papers front to back, watch some tv and pack my stuff.

For some reason, my family seems to be content in shifting our stuff from home one box per day. A perfect illustration of 'Sedikit-sedikit lama-lama jadi bukit.' I'm in the process of transporting me books. Bucketloads.
To the uninitiated, I am, proudly a collector of books and a groupie of warehouse sales.
The first time I set sights on a 2nd hand bookstore, I thought I was dreaming.
When I stepped into my first Pay-Less Warehouse Sales, I thought I've gone to heaven.

As the smelly aroma of dusky old books fill the room and I gently wipe away the thick dust that covers the yellow pages, shaking off tiny specks into the atmosphere; memories of heroines, the unknowns and pipe-smoking detectives come flooding back.
In bits and minced pieces of course.

And that's minus all my notes and old school books and stuff. Sigh, why did I keep em in the first place? Lesson to self : Keeping just in case, is absolutely no good for a clutter-free home.

As for all the children's books, I probably would donate them to an orphanage or kids of friends of mom.

...

Its times like this that I wish I have a car, a car to zoom away to far away distances of food and good company. I would show up at friends' place beeping and we'd rush off to savour exotic dishes and laugh our asses off.

And when 5 pm comes, I would gallop on this imaginary horse straight to Subang. Haha.

But that horse ain't appearing just yet. Darn.

...

And yeap, introduced Adam to almost everyone in the gang yesterday at 'Siva's' Housewarming. It's an 'all-at-once-want-to-bully-now's-the-only-chance' thingy.
It was fun seeing them all after sooo long.
Didn't scare him, so thats good.
I KNOW you guys talked about us once we've left. lol.
Don't bluff.

So, Uni friends done, Form 5 friends done. Which leaves us with Primary School Friends, Pre-Form 4 Friends, Form 6 Friends and Non-schoolmates. And Miscellaneaous. Hah.

And of course, that small, teeny bit matter of my family. *Ahem.

...

In case you're wondering why I'm so free, I'm waiting for the new semester's Registration to be open.
Supposed to open at 9 a.m.; it's now 9.55 a.m.

Wow. Way to go UM, man.

...

Okaythatsit.
Want to go watch Lakers beat Orlando Magic's buttocks.

Sniff

2009-06-04T23:10:00.002+08:00

I wanted to blog on so many things; but could only come up with only one thing right now.

I miss my chayang.

Sigh.

I need my book fix.

Glances at the clock

2009-05-06T14:22:00.002+08:00

Today's paper has been quite the very crappy.

But dude,

One more paper left.

*breathes

Tick Tock Tick Tock

*when will the clock strike 5.15 pm ?

Okayamyitstimetomovethatbigbuttofyours!

moveitmoveit!

Lesson for today

2009-05-05T19:51:00.003+08:00

I know I know, I have a paper tomorrow.

Argh!

But I just have to let this one go.

It's so easy to lose oneself, to a relationship; agreeing just to keep the peace.

But I've learned today that it's so stupid of me to think that I should compromise my thoughts for the sake of an artificial sense of 'well-being'.

So unreal because even if it looks alright at the surface,
that surface will never remain unbroken forever - as fragile as it actually is.

I've learned that it's perfectly okay to disagree;
that he'll still be there even if we clash in opinions-so long that we talk it through and that our intentions are good.

But not petty arguments, of course.

It stems from insecurity, I know. And the years of being a crowd-pleaser.
A defender of peace, an advocate of 'Anything-la.'

From the outside, I always thought that I'm smarter than that, that I'm stronger than that. But I guess being in it, is a whole different ballgame altogether.
I've fallen into traps that I've vowed never to fall.

I'm glad that you made me see the error of my ways. For giving me that wake up call.
For showing me that I'm letting myself slip through my grasp.

And for loving me throughout it all.

That's the lesson I've learned,

For today.

Random morning with papers strewn

2009-05-01T23:49:00.002+08:00

I’ve read Og Mandino’s ‘The Choice’ a couple of years ago and finished it in one sitting, reading late into the wee hours of the morning. It was an incredibly insightful book, one that brought tears to my eyes; one that had me reaching out for my diary to scribble down one single sentence :

“I choose a better way to live!”

Indeed.

Along the way, as how the book aptly describe it, we ride on this high wave of feel-good-nothing-is-impossible-I-can-do-anything until the wave crashes into the golden burnt sand again.

Along the way, we forget. I forget.

But blessed is he, for he has the printed word.

I picked up the book again, in the wee hours of the morning yesterday; mind tired after a barrage of examinations but unwilling to sleep, wanting to milk the moment a little longer-the knowledge that I have one week before the last two papers.

I’m weird, I know. Sleepy when I shouldn’t be but insomniac when sleep is totally affordable.

And the words sprang out and touched me again, like waves, it hit me again.

“So long as I have something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for, I shall be happy.”

People look for happiness; seeking for things or someone to make them happy but sometimes we forget that the only thing that can make us happy,

Is ourselves.

Satisfied are we, with all that we have; the half-filled glass, that nail-less toe, we shall be happy.

We choose to be happy. Happiness is ne’er about owning an iPhone or the latest car; Happiness is within us.

For what’s it worth, having the yellow sunbeam gracing upon our skin can be as much a source of joy as anything else. It’s our choice, such blessing it is; to be able to choose.

I can blardy well be elated that I’m able to read and learn about Pharmacoepidemiology and to learn that Camellia sinensis is tea; such beautiful, exquisite name.

Atropa belladonna. How it rolls the tongue, filling the head with images of beautiful dolls in flowing white dresses, dancing along to tinkling bells in green and yellow meadow.

It is, and always will be my choice, you know. *grins

I’m grateful for a lot of things, for I’m living a very blessed life by many standards. Lest I forget, which is normal, let me read, recollect and remember. And let me remind myself that to be able to breathe itself is awesomeness to its core.

I choose a better way to live! Version 2.0

Love,

Me.

And I turn 23

2009-04-26T00:32:00.008+08:00

When I blew out my 22nd birthday cake candle over at Pyramid surrounded by family and a dear friend Feli, I never would have thought that that year was going to be such a thrilling and crazy ride.

When I blew out that candle, I never would have thought that I was going to celebrate my 23rd birthday there at Pyramid too.

When I blew out that brightly-lit candle, I never would have thought that I'll be celebrating my 23rd with someone so incredibly special; my life, my love, my everything.

God works in mysterious ways indeed.

Love strikes your unguarded heart when you least expect it, and love also, is an opportunity that you have to grab unabashedly; a journey of which the first step you must take; a choice that you have to make with palpitating heart.

And when it strikes, it strikes hard with pin-point accuracy.

Of course it hasn't been easy, sometimes finding myself being very-the-girl; an emotional human being whose tears suddenly found a new canal to flow. We have disagreements of course, but I would go through it again in a heartbeat;
Because with him I learn more; with him I grow; with him I feel.

I love him more than I could ever deem possible, I love him in every sense of that word,

I love him regardless.

The awesomeness of it all.

Dear,

In the middle of blogging this, the phone rang and your face appeared on my little screen.
A smile broke out, the kind that you said earlier today looked like it can never be wiped off.

Like a school girl, I curled up on the bed
With you on the other end.

And I told you I was blogging.

Dear,
Thank you for being in my life, sharing, loving, living. Thank you for the moments that I hold forever in me, thank you for the birthday gift that reduced me to a bumbling, crying wreck.

It's you, you know. It has always been you, and will always be, you. And I know that you know it.

I love you, Adam Henry Sivapatham.

More than you'll ever know.

Midnight

2009-03-30T00:07:00.002+08:00

Emotions
Swirling inside, twisting its way out
Failing which
it splits
into a Million directions
Gravitate, the heart.

What's this wetness?
So palpable so easy?
Affect Affected Affection.

Too much,
Thoughts.

Thoughts
Monosyllable,
Varying, Unwary, Unwanted, Thrown aside.

Limitations of self,
Surfacing a while,
A breath,
And dived deep, deep
Into the pit of impenetrable silence.

The past cannot be changed,
Can only be learned.

A thousand things,
One head.
One heart.
One belief.

Believe?

.
..
...

Yes.

A drop from the sky

2009-03-25T16:09:00.005+08:00

Someone once told me that I only update my blog during the exams/tests/stressful period/when I should be utilizing my time to study.
Which is quite true.
I'll do anything to get out of studying.

Whoops.

Life has been interesting and exhausting, I would say.

Been to MPO which I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Thank you!!!

PGL-OMG-totally breath-taking. Even better than Mamma Mia! Malaysia Boleh, man.

Gala Closing at Actors Studio, BSC with Esther -totally spur-of-the-moment thing. Loved it to bits

SuperCamp Reunion at GIS

Class Fieldtrip to Terengganu - enjoyed our socks off eventhough we have two tests awaiting us when we arrived at ye ol' UM
On the other hand,
I've had tests every week, assignments to rush, presentations to make, meetings to attend, notes to entertain.

And I've been feeling really, really bad for having to FFK buddies blardy a lot of times these past weeks. I'm so so sorry. =(
Plus, haven't been home often too.
Fortunately, there's him to accompany me lar. Heh Heh.
But been busy even for him too, which made me feel even worse sometimes.

On the flip side, I've had the opportunity to experience a lot of things and learn many things that I know I ought to learn. I'm learning to love Pharmacy more now, and getting a little more freaked too, knowing that I'll graduate in a little over a year's time with barely anything in my blaaain.

We're getting more clinical which is awesome but more is expected of us now,too.
But that's only fair though.
It just makes me wish for more time to study or rather, for my beloved brain to automatically convert all information to long time memory rather than short term.
It's blardy frustrating to know that you've learnt them all just a week before but you just can't seem to pull them out of your grey matter in the cranium.

Ah, the beauty of cramming.

The beauty of memorizing,

For the sake of exams.

Totally shitty situation. I don't wish to be a pharmacist that knows nothing, but there's just so.many.things.to.know.

But I know I can survive this. Of course I can. *prep talk*
It's all about keeping things in perspective, wherein the passion lies.
Where oh where?

In a life of service and love.

And living to my fullest potential.

Dear friends, I wish you all that is in my power, for you to live the life that you Want to live, aligned to your heart, mind and soul.

I wish you peace and loads of light.
And a lot a lot of good food.
Hah.
I hope you are all keeping well and enjoying whatever you do, as you should. I really miss me buddies!

Muaks, hope to see y'all reeeaaal soon!

And he lives inside my head; my heart

2009-02-19T18:00:00.004+08:00

Yes dear friends,

I'm in love.

....

And he loves me too.

....

Awesomeness.

....

Ask me the next time we meet, maybe.

...

I'm evil, am I not? Haha.

...

Toodles and smooches

A reason to love

2009-01-14T23:30:00.001+08:00

I had this vision of me putting up a post summing up 2008 and welcoming 2009 with all the goodness I can muster and all the power words I could drag out of my brain.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

I had another vision too. An azam baru to turn into a new leaf and start studying, like you know, revising after class, starting early, the works.

But here I am, typing all this instead.

So what's a girl like me to do? A girl whose heart feels like one mashed up pulp of emotions unknown and unwarranted?

Sit and type all this instead.

Sigh.

So dear amy, how are you feeling today?

Randomness.

Right now, I'm disorientated by the fact that I could be so affected by another person. Like how you're so connected to another human being, a female, male or anyone in between that you just get so breathless by how influential they are in your life.

Each and every word is analyzed, each action thought about and intentions assumed. You start wondering about the emotional status of the other person and wonder whether what you did or say or will do will have some effect on him/her.

Kind of make you lose your sense of self, no?

So emotionally invested that a bridge is formed between that two souls, torturing, twisting, pulling and pushing.

That bridge that you can choose to either strengthen with strong will, silver effort and golden love

or weaken with selfishness and darkness.

But the greatest gift is honesty and unconditional love.

Like a wave, it hit me one night, the realization that I do not need a reason to love. For love in itself is something so good and pure that to love, is an ultimate gift you can give someone. It heals, it aches, it grows and it nurtures.

Why do I love her? Why do I love him?
Not because she's nice because if she's not at that moment, does that mean I love her less?

No reason to love. Love is all encompassing, all good and joyous.

But to love, I need to love myself first.
Unconditionally
and
without a reason.

Which needs some effort on my part.

But I’m not backing down anytime soon.

and it flew by so blardy fast

2008-12-30T19:55:00.014+08:00

Ohmigosh,

The new semester officially starts tomorrow.
Freakin' crazy man. Didn't even feel like I had a holiday.
Hrrrumph.

Nah. Scratch that. It was one heck of a 5 weeks, the learning curve was like whoa, a ride that that I'll never forget.

MyPSA Meeting over at UiTM. Seriously love working with everyone there. What a bunch.

SuperCamp Baby!!

A group of the most passionate people I've ever met - Team Leaders and Facilitators
Jen - bold and beautiful
Jessica - incredibly awe-inspiring

J-Day - intensely hardworking and smart

Deuce - talented and terribly good

Bucky - charismatic and crazy at the same time
My Partner, Diego - So good at what he does. Really.
My Family, the local Team Leaders. What would I do without you guys...Love you to bits.

And the kids who taught me more than I could ever imagine, whose lives I was fortunate enough to be a part of.

That each and every one of us is unique in our own ways, living as how we wish to live it.

Thank you for teaching me more about this magical journey called life.
.
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life..

Christmas came and went.

Gorgeous food

Alcohol from all over the world
And the same blood running through our veins

and of course.....

MAMMA MIA!!!!

I'm so in love. The music, the dance, the atmosphere. Electrifying.
And Istana Budaya is reaaaally pretty.
mamma mia...here I go again, my my, how can I resist you.

Trooped to Genting with Est, EV, Mags, WK and Kai Mun.

Took long walks and found myself in a yellow woods, where two roads diverged.

Stood there for a second. Wondering, thinking, contemplating, feeling.

Take a chance on me..

Here's to everything.

*Exhales

Here's to a brand new semester!
Be kind to me?

Thanks.

Someday

2008-12-05T23:10:00.002+08:00

You only stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
But now I've gotten in too deep

For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

You only waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean

I never thought that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might call you from my heart

But it might be a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might know my heart

Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

Hot and Cold; Pumping Heart

2008-11-26T00:44:00.004+08:00

Part II

I've always, always been envious of those who loved hard and fall in love so easily. Those who knew that they were in love and are not afraid to say out loud, "Darn it woman/man/etc, I LOVE you!"

I am one oddball. Loving family, loving friends, loving strangers as part of a collective group that is human, is alright by me, though I may struggle sometimes to say it out loud, but those kind of head-over-heels love?

Blardy hell. Not that simple for moi.
This heart? I can never fathom.

Deep in my subconscious I think I know where it all stem from but I cannot tell. It's deep, it's dark it's me. I've forgiven, God knows I've forgiven. I hope I've forgiven.
Because if I have not, I will not be where I am right now, For that at least, I'm sure about.
I would have...

And I know, that I won't be what I am if not for it.
That I know for certain as well.

Love.
What is love.

Scared to love, scared to be scared, scared that I'm letting go of something that feels so, so good but so freaking terrifying at the same time. Afraid of hurting, of hurting him.
Of hurting me.

Tired.
So tired.

I wished I could say I love you.
I wish I could say I've loved him, or them so much it hurts. But that's a blatant lie. Because I've never felt that. Oh heart, tortured heart. I ache for you, as much as the ache you cause me.

Lying awake at night, thinking about the past, analyzing-Jung, Freud, Oprah even. Justifying. I am my own shrink.

And she says, that's enough of guarding now. Maybe it's time to fall.

But I have no parachute on!

You don't need one. The ground is springy, like a mattress you jump on when you were younger. Jumping from one to another, with your brother, your cousins while mom screamed in the background.

The ground looks freaking hard to me. Like a rock, ready to smash me into bits and pieces.

You'll Love to bits and pieces.
And it's perfectly alright to love. Because love is all encompassing. Never a bad thing, always a good thing. Love is Good.

And as you love, you grow, you feed and you nurture.
It cannot be restricted, why restrict something that is good?
Fall, fall, you'll catch yourself at the bottom.
Because you can and you will.
That's how strong you are.
Why be afraid when you know that you can trust your two feet to keep you upright?

...

Size 7 feet, you wanna know something? I think blardy well trust you.

Blow, wind blow. Blow the red cap off the blonde head!

2008-11-26T00:02:00.003+08:00

Feli, it's only natural that this follows, (*grins)

Part I

It's only when tragedy happens that you realize how fragile life can be; that the saying, 'Live life like there's no tomorrow, live and let live' seems especially raw and true. As much as we try to kid ourselves into thinking that "Yeah man, from this moment forth, I shall live by that rule," it's so easy to forget.
So easy. So, so easy.

So people who always harbor a secret wish to have delicious, exciting lives would think, Shit. The only think that is permanent is death.

Death that comes as swift and as blithe as a gust of wind that blows out of nowhere.
From the east? North? South? Northwest?

Blow, blow away.
Goodbye.

And panic would set in, what if there is no tomorrow? Would I be truly happy with my time here on earth? Have a had enough? Have I lived enough, sing enough, love enough.
Enough. Enough.
When is enough?

We ponder about life's purpose, our journeys, our thoughts, our regrets, our years.
The old think about the past; what they would have done differently. The young think about their future; whether it would be there for them to grasp.
Or would it slip away into the nothingness of non-existence.

We wished for our lives to be beacons of hope, of light that illuminates, worthy of the gift that is life. For it is a gift, not ours to begin with. Never ours, never ours.

We dream, we cry, we laugh, we doubt, we think, scream, curse, and think again.
We run, we fall, we jump so high and drop so low.
We despair that life's unfair.

And yet the respiratory system worked for a breath.

Exhale. And it starts again.

We breathe again.

Till the last breath, we shall breathe.
Oh yes, my dear.
The air is that sweet.

Wow.

2008-11-17T20:18:00.002+08:00

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Today's paper caused me to break out in freaking cold sweat.

I looked at the blanks,
blinked

and thought to myself,

Ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit oshit ohshit.

Palpitations and thoughts of doom swirled in my head.

Wow. This is quite bad, dear amy. Quite bad indeed.
*Freakingpleaseletmepass!*

.....

One more paper left.
I need to buck up but I'm here.

Last paper syndrome. What can I say.

Wait for it; I'll be unshackled soon.
...

ding ding dong dong

2008-11-13T19:37:00.002+08:00

Breathes deeply

*SCREAMS

Breathes some more

Exhales.

Exams.

Beh tahan lor, seriously.

Sigh.

I need a punching bag.

In between H2 receptor antagonists and Proton Pump Inhibitors

2008-11-08T17:57:00.004+08:00

I think I'm suffering from withdrawal syndrome.
Having had a taste of what could have, has left me wanting more and impatient of what lies ahead. Granted, it's not for me to taste to begin with, it's so very wrong but it feels so right.
Now why is that so I wonder?

Where is that righteous, sword-wielding, value-upholding, thou-shalt-not-litter part of me that is so meekly surrendering to the wants of the heart and the body?
Where are you when I need you?

I say out loud that I should do this or that but I can't help but be a girl about it. Shit, guilt haunts when it could but happiness just chased it all away. Shoo! It says, Carpe diem! It says.
Hypocritical?

What the heck, SIEZE THE DAY!

Ah, but conscience knows me all too better, taking me on this rollercoaster ride that I've never been on before, heard off; but never really yearned for it.
I was in line for it, but I figured that the line was still a long way ahead.
I thought it snaked and twisted and turned into an unseen corner.

But there I was, right in front of the line.

I was old enough, tall enough to pass the red line that differentiates those who can and who weeps,
Wasn't pregnant,
No cardiovascular disease, the last I checked.

Go ahead?
Go ahead!
Nudged those at the back, wanted to ride on it as well.
Whaddareyouwaitingfor?!
...I....I...
Hesitation.

"......sieze the day....."
I could hear a whisper.

Barely audible, but a whisper, nonetheless.

Heart sings,

So how la dei?

Wrong or right, right or wrong, left or right, right or left, yes or no, no or yes,
Who's to say, who's to know?

She took a breath

And took a step...

Forward.
2 steps back?

Threading

2008-11-03T14:23:00.000+08:00

Threads of thoughts :

...

Exams are here, palpable and so near, I could feel its breath and its touch.
But its touch is neither icy nor cold.
Surprisingly warm, oddly unfamiliar but expression-less though.
As much as I would want to do well, I'll leave it up to those up there and time, to play out the events when they are due and I hope by then,I would have the grace to accept it at face value, learn and move on.

...

Oh darn clock.
I wish you could stop a while and let me rest?

...

I love my family, my family loves me. I miss my family,
My family miss me?
Of course.
Everyone misses me.

...

Being stuck within 4 walls isn't that fun really.
Thank god
For wild imagination
Lots of patience
and

You.

...

The floodgates that guard my emotions are burst open for some reason.
Triggered by something.
Or someone.

I feel more, Cry a whole lot more and
Think more than I've ever thought before;
Which is pretty darn scary because I think hor,
My cranium will just explode one day due excessive thoughts.
But oddly enough, I can so Blur sometimes I hate it so much.

...

Knowledge, don't desert me please?
Lock you up and keep you safe in this soon-to-explode cranium.

...

Clock's still ticking.

Aiyoooooooo.

...

Shit.
Sigh.
Peace be with you.

Crumbled

2008-10-19T01:19:00.002+08:00

Papa, I love you so.

If anything were to happen to you,

I would die, die, die.
I really would.

There'd be a void in me that will not heal as fast as it expands, into infinite darkness.

That morning happened, and You forced the rest to not tell me.

To keep me in the dark, unknowingly going through life as if nothing freaking happened.

But SHIT.

Papa, there was a chance of me not feeling your arms around me again,
hugging me close.
Of my hand in your warm, calloused hand,
Of you kissing me good night, good bye, good evening and good morning.

If things were to go horribly wrong, I could never see your smile again.
Never see that twinkle, never hear that mischief in your voice.
Oh dear Lord,

I was strong but I choked. I didn't mean to.
The tears flowed when I saw you yesterday.
I couldn't stop shaking and you held me close.
Oh dear Lord
I could feel your warmth.
Thank you.
You wiped my tears dry and you wiped yours too
Saying,
It's alright, it's alright.

It's not alright; I could have lost you forever. I could have, I could have.
If things were different, I could have.

My heart's broken, my spirits shaken and my soul bleeding.
Every time I think of you.

And the tears flow, even now.
Even now.

I can feel you, papa.
You're here.
I need you to hold me again, to reassure me I'm not dreaming.
That You're still here. Still here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you,
Thank You.

* Dad met with an accident on Monday,
he's still here.
That's all that matters.

Breathes

2008-10-12T12:58:00.006+08:00

It felt like forever since I've updated. Wait, it IS so.

Gosh. Where to start?

Global Youth Symposium '08 has come and gone. It was one heck of an experience, working with a group of young, vibrant people; hosting another group of young, vibrant people from all over the world!

So what would you get, putting them both together?
A freaking rainbow, that's what.
Beautiful, awe-inspiring and with a pot of gold at the end if it.
Run, run towards that pot!

Of course I screwed up my tests which came immediately after that exhausting week.
Heh. Oh well.
I screw my tests up now, too anyway.

What else?
I had the pleasure of making a new friend, a person who inspired me in so many ways. Her name's Chihiro, who came to Malaysia from Japan as an intern for Agathians Shelter, an orphanage under this project I'm in called Young Visionaries.
A project that I probably will not take up, if not for the chance of working on something I'm passionate about, with someone who thinks so much like me, i.e. think too much; that sometimes it's scary.

Chihiro's only 19 but she has accomplished so much and just puts in so much heart into whatever she does.
To come to Malaysia, on her own, to work in a shelter for 2 months? A new country, a new environment, with so much of the unknown?
I'm not sure whether I have her guts. Nor her vision.

She's helped me believe once more in the path that I'm walking on.
Helped me realize that the effort was all worth it.
That what I believe in, in Young Visionaries is real and palpable.
That in small ways, we can make a difference.

We went to Malacca together, 3 of us, Feli (the other half of Young Visionaries), Chihiro and moi as a sort of farewell trip before Chihiro left for Japan. It was cool in that we were carefree and we stayed at this sort of backpackers inn which was a steal-RM 13 for a night!? Blardy cheap.
It ended with a bang and a heart attack because we missed the bus home, which scared us shitless because her flight was that night itself.
How in the hell are we gonna come up with thousands of dollars for a new flight ticket home if there's no other buses?!ShitShitShiiiit!

But it ended well, there was another bus.
Having to pay for a new bus ticket sure beats having to pay for a flight ticket.

We are so going to miss her a lot.
(Feli, Chihiro, Moi)
Thanks Chihiro, for your company, your presence, your spirit.

Hmm..what else?

Trooped to USM, Penang for a MyPSA (M'sian Pharmacy Students' Assoc.) meeting which was so, so much fun.
We created a new group too....drumrolls....
SiaoPSA*!
And guess who's the President of that group?
Heh.

Recently attended an interview to be a facilitator for camp, aptly named 'SuperCamp' for kids and teenagers, by recommendation of a friend. If it works out well, I'll be away for about 2 weeks in December, to a place in Perak.
It'll be quite an experience, as facilitators from US will be coming in as well. The icing on the cake? I get paid for it. Wah liu..damn shiok.

And...

There's one other thing that's been happening too.
But that can wait, for another day.
Skippity-skip.

Oh yeah,
Can you believe that I have another 2 weeks left till the end of the semester?
which means one thing, that exams next month and
That I've almost completed 5/8 semesters.

Believe it, baby.

*Siao = Mad

Leave no stone unturned

2008-10-09T20:04:00.003+08:00

I weep for the Penan people.

My heart bleeds for the lack of humanity.

Our own backyard?!

I'm afraid to hope but dear God,

please, please let Justice Prevail.

Do you remember..21st night of September

2008-08-01T00:08:00.005+08:00

*SCREAMS*

Ohmygoditwassupercoolsuperexhilaratinggoosebumpinducingand..

I freaking love CHELSEA!

And the Malaysian team too lar. 2-0 is a respectable score in my book.

I need some honey for my throat.

and,

I'm heading for the Pearl of The Orient tomorrow!

*SCREAMS*

and,

I have tutorials tomorrow and it's 12.15 a.m and I haven't even completed reading one page!

*SCREAMS*

It's going to be a long, long night..

Random Midnights

2008-07-23T01:30:00.002+08:00

I distinctly told my roomie that I vowed to sleep early today.
Here I am, at 1.31 am in the morning, typing this instead of dreaming about lollipops in la-la land.
Tsk tsk.

Lollipops shall wait a moment more for this must get off my chest.

To all whose paths I've crossed these few days;

I know I'm more quiet than I used to,
More preoccupied with the stuff that swirls in my head-mashed and squashed beyond recognition.

I know I'm less patient with frivolity,
Less tolerant of immaturity.

I'm sorry, I really am.

But I'm adjusting to this, this surrounding that surrounds me - the lessons I'm learning.
I'm feeling how to feel this, to sense this and make it work.

Bear with me, brothers, and sisters-
I'm trying to be a better me.

Nothingness

2008-07-18T00:26:00.002+08:00

If I were to be completely honest?

I'm pretty terrified at the moment, with the life I'm living.

Granted, I've been in this situation before many times, and I've always thought I could handle it. But this time, it's different. The worst part about it all is this fear that I'm losing the devil-may-care part of me. The part that laughs a lot, jokes a lot, crap a lot.
The part that is seeping slowly out of me, noticeably.

I find myself hurrying, planning, thinking, doing. Lacking in sleep, rest and leisure.

And it shows. To me, at least The serious part of me is emerging, and with it, less smiles and nonsensical thoughts, less dreams and nothingness.

I'm not so sure whether I like this part of me or not.

And that's equally, if not more terrifying.

Finally!

2008-07-12T14:48:00.007+08:00

Been tagged many, many times but am always too lazy to get around to do it.
Turning into a new leaf, so yeah..here it is.

Tagged by Miss Tan Ee Von & Mr. Lee Jun Xue!

8 things I'm passionate about :

1) Family & Friends
2) Food, glorious food!
3) Books
4) Music
5) A life well-lived
6) Love
7) Being happy
8) My smelly pillow

8 things I say too often :

1) What the hell?!
2) Wah....liu!
3) I'm good.
4) Yah man.
5) Seriously?!
6) Hungry la wei
7) Wei
8) No problem.

8 books I've read recently :

1) Persuasion by Jane Austen
2) Ellen Foster by Kanye Gibbons
3) MIMS (Go to Google, type MIMS - then you'll know why)
4) The Hours by Michael Cunningham
5) My diary
6) Night by Elie Wiesel
7) The Textbook of Radiopharmacy (gag)
8) The Good Omen by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

8 songs I could listen to over and over again :

1) Dreaming My Dreams - The Cranberries
2) Lagu Untukmu - Meet Uncle Hussein
3) Landslide - Dixie Chicks
4) Freshmen - The Verve Pipe
5) Kau Ilhamku - Manbai
6) Your Woman - Whitetown
7) Itu Kamu -Estranged
8) When You Believe - Whitney Housten & Mariah Carey

8 things I learnt for the past year :

1) That saying No is not necessarily a bad thing.
2) That you can achieve amazing feats that you thought were impossible. As long as you never give up.
3) Eating a lot = gaining weight
4) Anything can happen in this world of ours.
5) This too, shall pass.
6) Be yourself, trust your instincts and speak from the heart.
7) That I am one hell of a lucky human being. What more to ask for? A loving family, superb friends, good food, enough money to spend, lots of love to go around.
8) Alone time is blissful.

8 people I tag (though I'm sure many would have done it already):

1) Esther Toh!
2) Mai Kai
3) Kenny
4) Felicita!
5) Samuel
6) Jeff
7) You
8) And you.

When diaries are bursting at the seams

2008-07-11T13:53:00.005+08:00

When the weight of the world is on your shoulders,
and you feel that your bones can bear no longer;
Just look inside and scan your heart,
Dig deep for passion, that fills-overflowing.

Angels are around to light your way,
Though Dust may yet settle on ground,
When wind blows tender-warm and loving,
Stay still, and breathe-the air is that sweet.

Rejoice, and feel from tip to toe,
Rejoice! For feelings are, when feelings due,
Plod on, plough on, sink deep in the mud
Embracing the feet, swallowing it whole.

Live the moment, regret not one,
Nor half an inch or quarter,
Stay strong, dear mirror, don't loose sight
Never let go without a fight;

The joy my friend
Is in the little things,
That never seem important;

But pause awhile, let heart take over
Counseled by gut, brains of substance;
You won't go wrong, you'll never get lost,
Enjoy the present, Now is here.

A round of love for everyone!

Darn It!

2008-06-24T21:37:00.004+08:00

Clock's ticking, teasing,

Laughing away.

Oh God, bring me down from the cloud and

Stick my butt onto the chair.

Let my notes never leave my sight;

And my mind not wander,

To everything else

But Radiopharmacy.

.......................drifting....

Away.

SHIT!

For posterity sake

2008-05-23T23:59:00.005+08:00

There aren't many people with whom you can talk religion with, and even less with whom you can have an open, non-judgmental, no-holds-barred discussion about this particular topic.
It is something that is so intertwined in the human psyche, that it is almost always the next source of wonder, after name and perhaps, age.

Admittedly, I am one confused girl. I can be easily swayed to one direction but the downside to that is that I can be as easily swayed back to the point of origin. I find it all a bit amusing that people are born into a religion without that freedom of choice.
As amusing as the thought that if you're different, heaven has no place for you.

Have I told you about the notion I had as a kid? That I SO wanted to believe?
That Buddha, Jesus and the Prophet Muhammad are all friends and are looking down on human beings, wondering why we are screaming our heads off to see which is the best.
They definitely ain't fighting with each other.

But of course, many would love to disagree.

It was a small kid's fantasy and a big kid's wish.

Granted, I would love to experience all religions, just to find out its beliefs, values, theories and of course,logic. Can't help it man, I'm a student of science.
Go find fault with the Education Policy for breeding me this way.

Knowledge is a powerful thing and I just wanted to share what I've heard, earlier tonight at this simple centre in Tmn Eng Ann which my parents brought me to. It's a Buddhist centre, brought to fruition by a group of English-speaking devotees who felt the need of a Klang branch extended from the Buddhist Temple in Brickfields.
Do not misundestand my intentions, this is not a sermon nor teaching.
It is merely for debate, and

For posterity sake.

The speaker was one Sister Chan, who is a Professor ( I think) of Mathematics in INTI College. She spoke on Understanding Kamma (Karma) in a logical way, in a manner that captures your attention.

She said in Buddhism, there are 4 Unthinkables - things that just are, that cannot be fully understood : Nibbana, Kamma, (Omnipresence?) of Buddha and How the universe works.
Unthinkables, things that cannot be understood.

Now, I didn't know that.
I thought that was interesting.

She mentioned that Kamma is about intentions, rather than actions. Intentions lead to speech and action.
Good begets good, and bad begets, yeap- Bad.

Okay, that I know.

Kamma, accumulated from past lives is not a punishment, the concept is one of fruit-bearing, seen in physical effects and also of the mind.
If you're rich, you could be very generous in your past lives.
Brilliant? You probably asked a lot of questions in previous lives.
Beautiful? You ain't the jealous kind before.

Dark kamma cannot be erased, nor miraculously deleted.
They are like salt crystals, while good kamma is water.
A teaspoon of salt into a cup of water? Salty water.
A teaspoon of salt into a lake? Bye-bye saltiness.
Which basically means, do more good and you can soften the blow of accumulated bad kamma.
Dark kamma can be diluted.

Wow. I did Not know that.

It was a good 2 hour session, I came out of it a little more enlightened ( in a purely english sense and not the Buddhist one, mind you) and more curious which is always a good thing.

She ended with the story of the 4 Wives - which is quite famous and of many variations- which I will share here too.

There was this dying old man who had 4 wives. He asked the youngest wife, the 4th wife of whom he had spent a lot on, of whom he had clothed well and covered in fine jewels to follow him to the grave. Naturally, she declined. Saddened, he asked the 3rd wife, for whom he had toiled and worked endlessly for.
She replied harshly, "No, I will not! When you die I'm going to marry your son instead!"
Oo. Evil woman.

He then asked the 2nd wife, who was very loyal to him. Nonetheless, she too said no, saying that the most she could do was to pay her respects to him each year at the grave.
He was super sad.
Then came a small voice from a small, thin and frail woman sitting at the corner, " I'll go with you. I've been following you life after life, and I will continue to do so. I will support you."
It was his 4th wife.
Seeing her, it finally dawned on him that he had been neglecting her all this while, his first wife, who turns out to be the only one who would follow him to the grave.

As you would know, the wives are metaphors.
4th wife is the human body. A body you clothe and beautify as much as you could and yet get cremated/buried in the end.
3rd wife is money and property. All your property goes to your sons in the end. Ha-ha.
2nd wife is your family and friends - as much as they love you and are loyal to you, they could only pay their respects. At the graveyard.
1st wife is Kamma, that follows you through lives.

Kamma; the good, the bad, the in-betweens.

I just thought the whole thing was kind of thought-provoking.

For a Friday evening at the very least.

...

And the exams had to end eventually..

2008-05-17T23:46:00.015+08:00

Exams are freaking over!

*runs around madly ala Macaulay Culkin's Home Alone*

Huge, huge sigh of relief.

Nope not thinking about results yet, not thinking..No, don't think. DON'T THINK!Bah.

Friday was Independence Day, God only knows how we managed to drag ourselves out for lunch and a little present hunting immediately after our last paper. Suffice to say we barely had 2 hours of sleep the night before.

Adrenaline is indeed an interesting and useful neurotransmitter.

Saturday was lovely, finally managed to go out as a gang-for the first time the whole semester, I think- (Ritz, Popo, Huei, Siu Gee and I) to The Curve for some mad, no-holds-barred celebratory get-together.
Had a delicious dinner at The Apartment, perky coke at McD's and squeezed in a spot of shopping. They bought me a bag for me birthday! Loved it.

Sunday afternoon was mom-daughter bonding time back home in Klang and at night?

Off to Redang BABY!

The place was awe-inspiring, though a little to commercialized for my liking.

Beaches have always been my weak spot though and so understandably, I didn't want to leave.
I brought a book along with me. A lovely book from a lovely person. Heh heh.
Thanks LW!

"Shit. Can I not go home?"

"Marry some snorkelling guy la, then can stay on lor."
I just might you know, they're all tanned, muscular and so, so mysterious.

Like those kind you read in paperback romance novels. Mills and Boons anyone?

But I could be wrong, (sheepishly) never read a Mills & Boons book in my life.

How can you not want to wake up to something like this each morn?!

It was interesting in that I went with 7 other coursemates who are from different backgrounds; of various personalities and values. But no matter how different we were, and how far apart we sit in the class, it was such a blast, really.
Unity in diversity indeed.

Waking up at 6.30 am to watch the sunrise. Well worth it, really.
Love 'em all to bits.

But wait, what's a beach holiday without a jumping picture eh?
Holidays always get to me.

We all need to jump once in a while.

Happy Bithday To..Me.

2008-04-26T01:51:00.004+08:00

I could so feel the love.

I was kind of expecting it, but not at this scale. It's exam season so i could understand the sacrifice that they made to tear themselves away from their books, to walk all the way, to just be here for an hour or so - to celebrate this humble homo sapien's birthday.
And the time spent on getting gifts too, when time seems to just slip away from our grasp the harder we try to hold on to it.

Lovely friends.
Thank you so much Ritz, Feli, Yee Bee, Shea Jiun, Shin Chee, Cheok Men, Woan Lin, Pei Shan, Kai Siang, Jo Lin, Sai Hong, Siu Gee, Popo, Yah Huei, Guek Kee, Chu Chu, Wendy, Mei Poh and Meng Hong!

Gifts to be hugged, photos to browse through and memories to be kept for all times.

It's times like these that I should imprint in my mind-to remind myself of the many blessings that I have, during desperate and lowly hours.

For now, it's getting a little late and I'm going to bed with an overflowing heart.

Exams? What exams?

sleepy afternoon

2008-04-18T14:13:00.004+08:00

"What is most important to you in life, other than your family?"

I was put in a spot, forced to think about something that I've never thought of seriously; to place what is important to me in a ranking order. The moment I said it though, it just felt so right.

"To make a difference."

Shit, I sound so cliched.

But that's it really, I would die happy even if I was poor and dying of hunger if I know that I have done just that- to have lived, loved hard, and leaving a little of my soul behind. A little with my family, a little with those I've had the privilege to cross paths with and a little in the eyes of whom I've known all my life and who have known me, all their lives as well.

I've been thinking about me ( who else to think about?) these few days, during dreamy moments amidst the times of studying. I wonder about my strengths and weaknesses and wonder whether I've become stronger or in fact, weaker. I think about the possible events that have happened in my life that could have bring about a more feeble me, a me that doubts and hesitates.

Uncertainties.
Shrouding endlessly.

But I know I'm me, and there will never be another quite like me.
My quirks and madness and strengths and of course, weaknesses come together to represent this human being that is me.
I may never be perfect but those imperfections are perfectly pivotal to build this 50 kg (probably more) worth of flesh and blood.

Plus, hearing, seeing and holding kids who are less fortunate (in conventional sense-family, money, education) puts things into perspective. Makes you realize just how blardy fortunate some of us are.

And to worry about little things like perception and imperfections?
So, So silly.

I'm in the driver's seat, this is my life and what I make of it is wholly my doing.
May not necessarily be a Mercedez Benz but I'm one freaking cool kap chai motor.

*mumbles

2008-04-16T02:25:00.004+08:00

It is 2.59 in the morning and papers are strewn all over my table. I should be wrapped under a warm blanket, sleeping but dread is stopping me in my tracks. The looming fear that is exams.
Sanity is getting a little bit harder to hold on to each day.

It is now 3.30 in the morning and there are still whispers in the night.
Clopidogrel as an antiplatelet.
What is the role of ADP on adenylyl cyclase activity leading to platelet aggregation?
Behold the power of google.

It's 3.39 a.m.
I'm not even halfway through...

God help us all.

Friday Night

2008-03-29T08:54:00.002+08:00

I Grew.

I flip through old photographs of me; I couldn’t recognize the girl in those pictures anymore.

I don’t feel like her, I may even be forgiven if I mistook her for a stranger.

You know deep down in you; that you somehow have a connection with her but you know for sure that she is not what you are today.

Do you remember how scared you were of something new?

Do you remember how unsure you were about being who you are?

That you were terrified, absolutely terrified that you will lose that eloquent self that you were.

Afraid that you find out that you were, in fact a hypocrite.

You find that you stumble upon pieces of yourself scattered everywhere.

You find a piece one day, the next; maybe the next week.

Uncertain of who you are morphing into,

Hoping and praying that she is a better person than who you were.

And you thought your soul-searching teenage days were over.

You were wrong my friend, you’re still growing.

And my friend, I think you secretly rejoice in the fact that you are; in fact, still growing.

No matter how freaking scary it is, a dark room, wondering if there is a candle at the end of your journey-that you will find your skin.

Your beautiful brown skin.

Neither white, nor ebony,

Your freaking brown-yellow skin.

And your beating, bloody heart.

Double, double, toil and trouble

2008-03-23T16:22:00.003+08:00

Nah, kawan, dah update pun!

It has been a long, long time since I've had a weekend in which I don't have to study. I mean, it would be best to study but there is no freaking test waiting for me when sulk back to Uni so yeah read : bye bye books.

For 2 days at least.

2 days of pure bliss for my tired body and mind. Such sheer, unadulterated bliss that I slept purata 10 hours each night. Double that I would get back in ye ol' UM.
I would have slept longer if not for my dad's
"Wake up lor! It's already 1 pm forgoodnesssake!"
and mom's tut-tuts.

Almost tempted to retort,
"Aiya, dear mummy, my sleeping genes are from you."
Genes.
One word that will forever remind me of a lecturer but that's another story.

So it was a weekend where I could do whatever I want and one which I felt propelled me to a new degree of independence and got me thinking about life in general, and in particular of a girl in her twenties. You see, I drove to Uni and back ON MY OWN for class on Friday.

You might be thinking, what's the big deal? You're already 22 years old for pete's sake.
Now, if you don't know me very well, or rather my parents very well, I am one of those who grew up in a very protective cocoon.
I'm not saying that it is necessarily a bad thing but sometimes I do feel that being brought up the way that I was brought up, granted, I'm not smoking pot or playing truant but I'm probably not that assertive as I would have been otherwise.
A few examples ,

" Where'd you wanna go?"
"Erm, anywhere."

"What do you wanna eat?"
"Erm, anything."

"You wanna jump off the cliff?"
"Erm, anything la. You want me to jump I'll jump."

I feel at times, that I'm the epitome of a crowd pleaser and some of the times, during those times, I just wish I could just give myself a big kick in the ass.
WTH? Cannot think for youself ar?!

And as silly and outrageous as it sounds, driving alone, to me actually forces you to be more decisive and therefore more independent. You see, it's solely your decision to speed, it's your decision to change lanes and you alone decide where you want to park and how you park it
You want to scratch your car? Go ahead, scratch away-more power to you, dude.
There is no one else to guide you and decide for you. You can't very well wind down your window and scream to the next car,
"Eh, can I cut you ar?!"

You just do it.
When you feel like it.

Who knew that a car key holds so much meaning to it.
Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.

It's always good to have girlfriends, and always fun to meet up and talk, gossip whatever. Had a great dinner with uni pals on Weds and managed to meet up with Cyen and then with Esther these few days. It's funny that the topic will invariably turn to love lives or rather the lack of it in my case.
...

Nope.

Not one to whine.

Sitting around

2008-03-12T19:46:00.005+08:00

Thanks feli for the internet connection!

There's a clock on my table and it's ticking away. A square box-like object, it cuts a lonely figure in the corner, away from the sea of messiness that threatens to engulf Time. It's inching closer tho.

Poor thing.

Dear void that is cyberspace, I'm not doing too good in tests but its alright.
Sometimes things get a lil' unbearable but thats okay,
Sitting down at the table to study might seem like a pain, but its just a pain in the butt.
It will go away soon enough.

Life is still full of unexpected surprises, that comes in all shapes and colours, even rockets and greens.
There is still humour, if only you would look for it in all the unlikely places.
And there is still love, if you'd allow it into your heart.

Aiyo.
must go study now.

Sigh. Fine. You win.

Bye people!

Baaaaaackkk!

2008-02-29T14:56:00.002+08:00

Well, well, well..
It's been almost a month since I've updated me blog! Can you believe it? I have plenty to borak about but sigh, just too little time. I even missed a Chinese New Year Post, non-existent Valentine's post and yeah, a whole-lotta other posts.
Having been able to snatch some precious time to do this, I'd just like to share with you what I've been up to these days..especially on weekends when I don't come home.

Anyway, I just wanted to spread the word around and if you'd like to contribute, or join us(of which you are most welcome to do so) then come on board!

So yeah, here it is!

Young Visionaries Initiative '07/'08

Love you guys,
Bubye.
xoxoxo

The night I chose the fluttering angel

2008-02-02T18:36:00.000+08:00

Part 1 :

C : "Eh? Where's sim mei lar?"

Roomie : "Oh, She decided to go to the Buddhist Society's Hymns Concert instead"

C : "She blew off clubbing with us over that?"

Shit.

How 'Lil' Miss Goody-two-shoes' more can I get?

Sigh.

For the record, I decided to go to the concert as a show of support for this friend of mine who's in the commitee. I've already given my word, and I was shoved responsibilities at the last minute; so yeah, the angel on my left shoulder won and the devil poofed away.

Angel : 1 , Devil : 0.

...

Part II :

Bought ALL my new year clothing in ONE day! Haha.

And all in a couple of hours.

Not bad, not bad at all.

...

Part III :

Blardy hell. New year holidays is non-existent. I have 4 freaking tests awaiting me when University reopens.

Not to mention tons of assignments and work to do.

Gimme a gun, I'm gonna go shoot some people.

...

Part IV :

I think I liked myself better when I listen more than I speak.

Stop trying to be someone you're not.

Stop trying to be funny.

You find yourself wanting to kick yourself in the ass often enough.

...

Part V :

You're putting on weight. Don't deny any longer. Go find more ice-cream to eat.

...

Part VI :

Jogoya Jogoya Hey!

Jogoya Jogoya Ho!

Jogoya Jogoya Dei!

Jogoya Jogoya Let's Go!

Hah!

And the music played on..

2008-02-01T22:21:00.000+08:00

The sky was downcast; the wind was blowing through our hair, chilling our bones , our hearts, our souls.
Droplets of rain fell onto our skins, dripping off onto the tarred ground.
The horn blared, the organ played, the drums drummed.
The funeral procession started.

My uncle passed away on Monday at the age of 83 and today was the funeral.
He lived long, he lived hard and the idea of him passing must have played in our minds but when the news came, it was still a shock; a little hard to digest.

It was hard, seeing the house that my family and I go to every single week, sometimes every other day even, being converted into a place of mourning. Hard to believe that the man will no longer be there, the man whose presence I took for granted.
It was even harder seeing my aunt, being the strong woman that she is, looking so vulnerable; her love for him so palpable, so solid.
Things will never be the same.

And yet, with loss, grief and tears, there can still be strength. Life is displayed by the energetic young grandchildren running with cunning in their eyes while monks chant in the background. Humour is in the muffled laughter and smiles when something funny crops up.
Continuance is in the din heard when the clan come together.
Life goes on indeed, when the mourning is over and respect is accorded.
Life goes on indeed when the same aunt, presses those present to "Eat some more!"
Life goes on indeed when everyone gathers around the food table, stuffing themselves silly and talking about anything at all.
And to some extent, we all know that to be true.
That life indeed will go on.

Life gained, life lost; life lived, life passed.

Make it one helluva ride.

Rest in peace, dear uncle.

Sometimes memories, like a mischievous child, play tricks on the mind, and that which seems real might not have occured at all.
But sometimes it seems too real to ignore.
And wounds may cut deep and the mind chooses to delete and is unsure,
and yet it haunts, and questions remain unanswered.
But the journey continues, and forgiveness is due.
For the sake of me, and for you.
The past is that, the past;
And I'll remember to forget,
To not look back and wonder
But to let it go, to set it free
For it is what it is,
and I am what I am;
No one's at fault.

No one's to blame.

That will set us free.

And she kept rambling on

2008-01-22T23:46:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling....

like I should be torn in many directions, but I'm here.

I'm feeling....

like I should feel, but I can't.

Am I to envy those whose heart feels as deeply as it decides?

Restless sleep, swollen eyes, muddled mind-you tellin' me something?

Coherent sentences, please, oh-wise-head.

Insanity? In Sanity all right.

In complete sanity.

...

Incomplete sanity?

*Nods.

Who can say where the road goes? Only Time.

2008-01-06T18:44:00.000+08:00

Time flows by like a river, cannot be stopped, even if you are foolish enough to try.
Goodbye 2007 and well, hello 2008;
what a way to end the year with a bang, with me nearly banging a car in front on a rainy, slippery day.
But I didn't (Thank YOU God.)
What a way to start the new year,
With me witnessing an accident riiiight in front of moi a few moments pass midnight.
Crash. Boom.
Erm, Bang?
Shit, what's with all this banging?!

I must add, I have no recollection of what happened in 2007, it's either too much to put my finger on, or I was too drunk.

But wait, I don't really drink.
Drunk on madness.

The new semester has started and with it all the work it entails. Organizer's almost full already, and test dates are already out. Like, dude, give us a break. Please! (SOB.)
The monster that is procrastination is looming behind, creeping closer each passing second. (....Sob. Help?)
I'm turning into a new leaf, been sitting right in front in the first row all of last week which was a far cry from sitting riiight at the back the previous sem.
Doesn't stop me from dreaming though. The best part?!
I actually revised what I did during the day on one unbelievable night which basically scared the pants off my room mate.
"What ARE you doing?! .......wait. You're...my god.....STUDYING?!"

Needless to say,the new resolution lasted just one night.

Who am I kidding lar?

It's Sunday evening. I don't like Sunday evenings. Sunday evenings mean that tomorrow's Monday. Tomorrow's Monday means have to wake up early. Have to wake up early means have to go to class. Have to go to class means more assignments and more notes. More notes means more to study. More to study means sad sim mei.

But Sunday evenings also mean family dinners. Family dinners mean food.
And food means happy sim mei.

I am SO easy to please.

Swoosh

2007-12-28T01:15:00.000+08:00

Dear blog,

It has been a fruitful holiday and with a renewed spirit, I return to ye ol' UM tomorrow. Naturally, the pants have gotten tighter and the arms flabbier, but the smiles have gotten wider as well so everything's good.
Loads of snapshots in the bag and space taken up by memories that never will fade.
Enough hilarious moments to keep one chuckling and tender heartfelt moments to make life more delectable, somewhat.
Though I've still far to go in terms of total understanding of this living business.

I've had enough kisses to keep me happy
and hugs to keep me warm.

thoughts to keep me thinking and
love to go around.

Till I see you again, which is soon, I hope!
Here's to the sun, the rain and the mud.
And that we'll all be able to enjoy a coconut, every now and then.

*smooches

Yoooooo! Yoooooo!

2007-12-25T23:37:00.001+08:00

Okay, some of you would probably know that I attended a leadership camp in UM not too long ago.
I wanted to blog about it, but was too caught up with so much stuff that being the procrastinator that I am, I felt that having a small piece of that experience in my written diary is enough and that anything else on cyberspace is just extra...stuff.
Read : lazy pig.

Organized under the AIESEC banner, I hardly know what AIESEC is nor know anyone there except my roomie, who's quite involved in it. I joined at the very last minute and even signed up after the closing date.
Hah.
Suffice to say, I didn't regret it. I learnt like a LOT.
So much that it was almost too much.
It wasn't just the technical stuff. It forced me to be brutally honest with myself and find parts in me that I haven't really grasp nor truly understood.
It opened up my eyes to nature of human beings and made me appreciate the diversity of man.
But most of all, It made me gorge on humble pie.

Anyway, that's not the main point of this entry.

I should explain first though that in AIESEC, there is this square dance culture which is unique to that certain University. So naturally, UM would have one too and since I did not attend pre-camp, like a monkey, I was lost and jumping around, pretending that I knew the steps when in actual fact I was just jumping around. Like a monkey.
It was a hit tho, and I totally enjoyed it.
So for us, it was this song called Crank Dat Soulja Boy by Soulja Boy (like, what else?) which I never for the life of me knew existed.
It had a catchy tune, and well, cute steps to go along with it.
And I've only just found out that the moves for the song is actually a dance by itself (think Macarena, the funky chicken, etc) and that it's HUGE over in YouTube.

I mean, people around the world did the Soulja Boy just as how UM fellas did it during that 5 days camp.

Curious enough?
Watch this.
God. It's hilarious.

And in case you were wondering, yeah, I did it too. Shook that ass all the way to China.

Okay.
You can stop laughing now.

Oh btw, Merry Christmas everyone!

Altogether now, Yoooooo! Yooooo!

Its CUPID with a W

2007-12-19T22:57:00.000+08:00

See the back of that guy's t-shirt?

It says World Universities Peace Invitational Debate -or, WUPID.

Cool name right? WUPID, WUUuuPiid. WOOPiIIID.

N-E-way,

it was held over at UniKL(which by the way has the coolest lecture halls and classrooms) from Sunday through to Thursday. It's by invitation only, so the debate teams there are like from the best universities in the world, from Cambridge to Oxford (collectively : gasp!) to (too add a little bit of that spicy local flavour) MMU, UiTM and many more.

Muchas gracias KW for bringing me along to witness this awesome display of wit, sharp thinking and mind-blowing information overload. My god. I felt like a freaking ignoramus, totally clueless on what they were talking about.

They were debating on stuff so specific that I just shudder to be in their shoes, or rather, slippers.

Mom saw this, "Wah. wear shorts and slippers ar?!"

I couldn't grasp what they were talking about practically half of the time, and those times were spent being lulled by their delicious accent and dreaming about how beautiful the girls (and guys) were.

The half of the time?

I was in awe. Of their eloquence, their apparent lack of nerves and their brains.

The motions were made of stuff like "Give the Kurds a homeland" and,

wait for it.... "The Bolivan Revolution has failed"

WTH?! Who or what are the Kurds and when in heavens did the Bolivan Revolution happen? Boliva? Mana tu?!

Wow. I could literally feel the butterflies flying around in the space within my skull. I must add also, that the teams didn't know the motion until 15 minutes before the competition which made me respect them all the more.

It was good.

And I got to hang out with someone new who's extremely nice and equally crazy!

Meet KW's fellow debater, Melissa.

And oh, we bumped into our little high achiever Siaw Yen, and we basically yapped all the way back to Telok Gadong.

Heh.

Still the same bright girl. She could rule the earth one day, really.

Current read : Night by Elie Wiesel.

Current love : McD's, after the 5 odd hours Chandu, Shashi and I spent there, talking about everything under the sun.

One afternoon on the couch

2007-12-18T18:14:00.000+08:00

Million Voices -Wycleaf Jean
Soundtrack of Hotel Rwanda

Plopped myself down on the couch and flipped through channels.

Stopped at Hotel Rwanda.

I've heard a lot about this film, about how good it really is in portraying humanity, and ironically,the lack of it during the Rwandan genocide .

I was sobbing my eyes out, I mean really sobbing-wasn't sniffling, wasn't just tearing and i distinctly remember feeling as helpless as this when I caught Sometimes in April not too long ago. Yet many things have happened since then, and we forget; I forgot and now I remember.

The movie was a true portrayal of one man, Paul Rusesabagina (played by Don Cheadle) who sheltered over 1,000 Tutsis and moderate Hutus in a Belgian-owned hotel, effectively protecting them from being brutally massacred.

He used his connections, his wit, quick thinking and most importantly, compassion to keep the flames of hope and life burning throughout those horrendous days.

This man had even at one point, decided to stay behind to save the hundreds of lives even when there was an opportunity for him to escape.

This man did not falter even when the world around him turned their backs on him, on the Rwandan people and on plain humanity.

And in the film, the UN soldier (portrayed by Nick Nolte) was based on a real UN peace keeper, Roméo Dallaire who was there to witness the atrocities, first hand.

Read their stories,

Remember Rwanda,

Never forget Darfur.

Hooooliday Take II

2007-12-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

It's always fun to play host.; showing people around Klang, its highlights and ugly sights.

The bonus would be to be able to share a bit of your life with the people you care about (in this case it was Rita and Feli) - inviting them to partake in this life of yours!

I brought them to some therapeutic singing of course-sang across genres as Siti Nurhaliza would testify. Heh.

Introduced 'em to the hidden treasure of Bukit Cahaya.

Darn. Went there so many times the Bicycle Man recognized me already!

Me mom came along too..Whoa..did she have stamina!

Random snapshots

Hear the cengkerik chirping?

Whoops!

All aboard!

Ahoy! I see land, cap'ain!

One for the photo album!

So glad to have you guys to keep me sane in college!

xoxo!

The time when we said "Let's Go!"

2007-11-30T20:07:00.000+08:00

So there we were, chilling while drinking tea, stuffing cheesecake into our mouths on the night of our last paper.

"Let's go on a holiday! Malacca anyone?"

"Oooo..let's! When?"

"erm..tomorrow?"

"Yeah, man!"

Off we went, clothes and essentials in our backpacks, permission by parents shrouding us like amulets, heads giddy from excitement, hearts beating with anticipation of nothing. For we did not plan, we did not think, we just did.

It was the epitome of being young, free and careless.

We stayed at this beautiful hotel, called Hotel Puri located at Jalan Tun Tan Cheng Lock. Formerly a residence of a millionaire, it was transformed into this beautiful place that doesn't promise much from the outside, but incredible on the inside.

We stuffed ourselves silly with none other than famous Malaccan fare.

Ah, of course.

Cendol session by the river.

Walking aimlessly can lead you to hidden treasure troves that reminds you of times when life was but a bed of roses, accompanied by mysterious beating of drums;

And getting lost can cause you to unintentionally bump into historical places;

Hard to believe but sometimes taking the longer cut will bring you to unexpected places..

And taking risks brings you to your cheapest dim sum breakfast ever!

but of course, we succumbed to being typical visitors and made our mark in lovely tourists haunts.

St. Paul's Hill

Stadhuy's Building
Tall, tall flag.

Who can forget, A Formosa? (or is it Famosa?)

The trishaw man waved and smiled when he noticed me stealing a picture of him

A bastion (nope, I don't know what's a bastion)

Took many, many crazy snapshots of sweet memories

I've learnt a lot, during that trip-that nice people DO exist and that they are willing to help in whatever ways possible. We weren't foreigners but they were courteous and helpful like the taxi man who waited for us in front of Mini Malaysia with no extra charge just because he knew it would be difficult for us to get a cab back to town later on. The same man who did not budge even when we got caught in the rain and the same man who came to our rescue with umbrellas, like a mild-mannered hero saving soaking wet pathetic-looking students.

And the lady who volunteered to tell us which buses to take and which to avoid even when we didn't ask, then later on wished us a safe journey.

Trinket sellers who offered to handle the camera just so the four of us would be in the picture together after seeing us taking turns to take pictures in twos and threes.

And the nice Johor traveller we met while we were on our way not once, nor twice but three times on the same day.

Plus many others who helped to point the direction to which we should be heading.

All these kind souls helped to reinforce the belief that Malaysians sure are a bunch of good people!

And that's a good thing, no?

15-16 Nov 2007

Creep

2007-11-27T00:48:00.000+08:00

It could be the serene night, or TLC's Creep blasting from the headphones that triggered it or it could be just plain boredom.

Ah well.

...

Sometimes I wonder, whether I'm too protective of this heart of mine? ( Note: This is purely rhetorical, no one is inclined to answer.) People often ask me why am I still single when everyone else around me is happily with someone else, especially so in university. Is it such a sin to be alone? Countless eyebrows would be raised way up when I answer that it's not a big deal to me, and proceed to encourage me to faster find someone.

Find someone?

How to find lar?!

Start screening every single guy I meet as prospective partners and proceed to label them as unfortunately-taken, single-but-no way, single-and-hmm-maybe-canla, single-but so-so, cute-but-gay?

Why not shove them into compartmentalized drawers while I'm at it?

Nah. Don't think so.

Okay, so my non-existent-love life is non-existent. It's alright by me, I ain't gonna couple up with the first guy I meet just because, but it's not for many others, ironically.

Some say that I'm not willing to open up my heart which brings me back to the rhetorical question above. The thing is, it isn't just one person; I've heard that before from other people as well, years back even. So I wonder whether there is any truth in it. But I guess no one would ever know except me.

Yeap.

But dude, I really don't know.

I can't very well make an incision in my chest to see whether my heart is open though if I do tear my chest and rib cage apart my heart would technically be open.

SO maybe that's what I should do. Someone pass me the scalpel please.

But I might not live long enough to find out, with all the bacteria and risks of infection. I'd have an open but dead heart. That would not do, would it?

Sigh.

As for now, I don't know who's holding that shiny scalpel to cut me open yet.

My my, how romantic.

Mana itu orang? Aku pun tak tahu.
Ask also no use, seriously.

There's a new kid in town

2007-11-27T00:03:00.000+08:00

I stepped into Jusco, Bkt Tinggi and I thought to myself,
"This is Klang?"

Wondered through the makan stalls and I rubbed my tummy,
"Ha. Ha. Ha. HA!"
(LW : We have freaking BBQ PLaza and Sakae Sushi in Klang now!)

I saw Guess, Bonia etc and I wondered,
"How long will they last?"

I saw my bunch of friends and I mused,
"How wonderful is this."

Lovely, lovely monday.

...

And oh, if you chance upon a book called The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, grab it!

It's the only book to date that made me stay up late to finish it in one night.

Breathtaking and a serious page turner. Just make sure you have a tissue box ready.

Current read : 'Tis by Frank McCourt

Bliss?

2007-11-26T00:40:00.000+08:00

I was admittedly bemused with HINDRAF (Hindu Rights Action Force) which, in my humble opinion is quite ridiculous in its claim against United Kingdom for RM14 trillion (not million, and NooooOo- not even billion) for bringing Indian labourers into Malaysia and subsequently exploiting them for some 150 years.

I thought it was some twisted method to stir some religious and racial sentiments which may threaten the peace (hmm?) prevailing in this country of ours.

Pitting one race against the other?

We've been conditioned since babies to never, ever do that, for it is much too sensitive to discuss, to talk about, to even whisper about for god forbid-that it should destroy us all.

"Shhhh!, too sensitive! wanna die ar? "

Sorry to say, I'm guilty of that as well.

But then, a little bird swooping around cyberspace reminded me that there is always 2 sides to a coin and that sometimes ignorance is bliss, yes- but is also self-destructive.

If this rally seems irrational to me, 30,000 people definitely did not think so.

If 30,000 people braved arrest to gather for this cause, there must be something to it.

Something that I must have missed.

Something that we must have missed.

Hindraf: A new generation of oppressed and suppressed Indians?

The Personal Dignity of HINDRAF Supporters

Why I will not walk this Sunday and why the walk must not proceed

and of course,

http://www.jeffooi.com/

Regards.

Of Boomerangs and Words

2007-11-24T00:33:00.000+08:00

And altogether now,

au revoir exams!

*evil laughter*

Life lessons of one Amy Chuah :

Lesson 1 : Alone - It's okay, it's refreshing, it's lovely.
Drawing swirls of dreams, dreaming;
Listening to non but the fan spinning,
curled up with a book til the wee hours of the morning;
stripping without looking,
sleeping, laughing, joyously crying.
I'm being.

Lesson 2 : Express.
Jump!
To the beats of the drum,
Prance!
To the pattering of steps,
Look!
Into the mirror, reflecting you.
Stamp!
Your mark, quake the earth,
Swing!
To the sky, Look up!
Heavens above..
Or below?

Lesson 3 : Boomerang.
Humorous monk in robes seated,
A microphone in hand, gesturing
wildly; challenging, luring,
words, thoughts, questions;
Hours passed,
"Agree or not?"
Heads nodding, listening intently,
Believe or not?
"Like a boomerang,
What you throw comes back to you."
I believe.

Lesson 4 : Pain
Crap.
Leg's numb. Can't feel...
Loving kindness,
Concentrate.
Leg's numb.
It's cold.
Concentrate.
I love my family.
"Open your eyes"
Crap.
Am I not supposed to visualize?!
Darn.

muaks

2007-10-23T23:14:00.000+08:00

currently addicted to this

The campus beckons and yours truly is going to be MIA for about a month.

I shall emerge from the battle stronger than ever before, with my sanity intact.

And a bit thinner too, hopefully.

Gonna miss all of you, gonna miss you, bloggie, gonna miss you TV.

But like how Arnie used to say,

"I'll be BAK ! "

*smooch smooch hug hug *

closure? release?
hmm.
happy for you.

Calm

2007-10-21T22:11:00.000+08:00

They said that places of worship have this aura about them that pulls you into a vortex of calmness.
Actually KW said that.

But its true; I went to the Brickfields Buddhist Temple today and for some reason I feel a lot better. Pouring my heart out to a higher being does work, I guess. A little blessing didn't hurt either.
Pledged to be a better human being as well, but you don't have to know all that.
Oops.

And of course, with my family being the Chuah family, once we're out of the house we're OUT of the house. Lunch was at SUBWAY, S.Pyramid ( LW : Yeap! It's inching closer to home now!) upon my mom's request who is now a sandwich convert and a SUBWAY Groupie. What was supposed to only be a lunch outing, turned into a lepak session with some attempt of shopping thrown into the fray.
Tried some organic-super healthy-low calories-low cholesterol-soy ice-cream which was *ahem different, but nice after a few mouthfuls.

Okay. I have to admit it, I am grateful that my family gives me my space and never forces me-god forbid-to sit at the table 24-7.
It's good that they keep me sane by being the fun-loving people that they are. Of course, sometimes it gets a lil' bit out of hand but the little things that they do, forcing me out for dinner after being at home studying-eventhough they have to drag me out screaming "I donwannago! Ta Pau for me! Ta Pau!TAAA PAUUU!"
Wait, that never happens.
Usually I only need a minute amount of persuasion before I grab my phone and slip into my slippers.

words of encouragement, pecks on the head(Yeah, my dad still gives me pecks on the head-still very much the princess)
and silly jokes;

Dad (pointing at the telly ) : Eh, see whether your name's on TV or not!
Mom (excited) : What? Really? Where? .... Wait..What list is that?
Dad : The central committee members of the Communist Party.

me laughing in the background.

Brother was buying some creampuffs amounting to RM9.30
Dad (handing over money to mom, to be passed to bro.) : Nah
Mom(looking at the 2 keping of coins handed over to her) : Hah? So little ar?
Dad : Yeah, there got 30 cents what.

me laughing in the background.

Mom : What were you two doing in the toilet la? Why so long one?
Bro : We were playing with the high tech hand dryer.
Dad : Not only that, the toilet's so high tech, you don't have to do anything there's this pipe that attaches to *ahem* which sucks your urine out.
Mom : HA. HA.

me laughing in the background.

Dad-the fervent advocate of the Mandarin language : Eh, want to go learn Mandarin ar?
Mom : Bu Yao.

me laughing in the background.

still make my day.

It's times like these that I thank my stars.

Donkey

2007-10-20T21:54:00.000+08:00

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I should be studying!

Crap...someone give me a swift kick in the ass.

I've been

-sleeping too much for my own good; more than what I usually need

-going out too often

-watching too much TV

and you know what's the worst part?

I don't mind NOT studying eventhough I know there's so much to cover I can just break down and cry right now in front of you.
But I know I won't.

The saddest part about all this is that I'm losing grip of my old self; the old me doesn't care what her results are gonna be like as long as she does her best. Now, I find myself constantly worrying about my results and succumbing to the pressure of being on the dean's list.
Shit la.
It's just a freaking LIST!

You see? I KNOW that, but it's just not getting into my head. How I wish I've never heard of such a thing as a dean's list, CGPA and all that. I'm doing my degree for goodness sake; I should not be in this mad chase for excellent, perfect results.
Being in a university shouldn't be like this!
Or have I been living in a lie, believing in something that doesn't exist? Are we that kiasu,
or

am I that kiasu?

shudders.

What have I morphed into?

I want my old self back!

Selaaamat Haaarii Raaaayaa!

2007-10-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

Note to self :

You better start tomorrow.
That would be enough rest..
for now.

It has been a whirlwind Hari Raya holidays. We're Malaysian anyway, we celebrate everything together.
We live for public holidays. *nudge nudge wink wink*

Thursday was the day I got involved in the seedy world of human trafficking.
Made Kin Wai as envious as a green-eyed monster with the bitter taste of sour grapes in his mouth, showing him around UM.
Being a self-proclaimed food connoisseur, took him to a superb place to eat.
Thanks for the surprise, really.

Friday was a blur; haven't woken up that late in a long, long time. My relatives came down from Penang and that was that.
My weekend was filled with food, and drinks, walks, malls, shopping.

Scones, shortbreads, tea and irish coffee with whipped cream.
Guiness Stout chicken wings and Kajang sate in the midst.

The kids were so adorable I just didn't want to let them go. Especially the little one, who had saliva perpetually dribbling onto whatever.
God I'm gonna miss them.

Caught up with friends too; Choon Yen, Esther + co. ; Pauline, Yi Jiang + co.
Had such a blast making Jiang do mad but hilarious birthday rituals.
"Can one lar!"
"Cannot leh!" Face inched closer to the cake. "Cannot lar! " and closer. " Woi. CANNOT!"

In unison : "CAN!"

Since it is technically, a break; I rummaged through my 'to read' pile and noticed some titles that I didn't know I owned.
Started on Heart Songs & Other Stories by E.Annie Proulx
and The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank.

I'm halfway through both, but I have to say that the latter is written especially for me, man.

I don't wish to be so narcissistic but the resemblance to my life is uncanny.
No. 1 : The title itself; ..Girls' Guide.. - I was, and still am a girl guide!

No. 2 : The heroine has an elder brother - so do I

No. 3 : The book has reference to the classic, The Great Gatsby - which I happen to own and read, earlier.

No. 4 : The heroine has a fascination with words, and grew up to be an editor - I don't mind words; just not those that come in the form of lecture notes.

No. 5 : She got involved with a much older man - I wouldn't be all that surprised if I were to, too. Ahem. I'm a closet romantic, if you haven't already known.

How can you not fall in love with a passage like

"While Mother hostessed and Girlfriend guested, Younger Sister stood up. When there was a pause in their nicing, I made my mouth move smileward : I'd love to stay and talk, but I have to go shoot some heroin now."

'Nuff said.

Let's just hope the other half of the book is just as juicy.

God.
I so need to start studying tomorrow.
Somebody slap me if I don't.

I cut my hair!

2007-10-07T00:54:00.000+08:00

Me : I'm thinking of piercing my nose...i think it's quite..

Mom : What?! NO.

Me : ...nice..but..

Mom : You'll spoil the feng shui of your face.

Riiight.

And oh, if you need a good cry, you should watch Adoption Stories over at Discovery Home & Health .

God. I just couldn't stop bawling.

Mary, mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

2007-10-06T01:34:00.000+08:00

"I'm growing into my skin"

I've been doing much growing, or rather, think that I am, these past few years. Whenever a lightbulb goes 'ting!' in my head, I was pretty sure, at that time that I grew just a couple of inches closer.
But how do I know for sure that that 'true' skin would not remain forever elusive, always beyond reach?
Leaving me tergapai-gapai in the middle of an ocean?
Ah but who ever said life is about the destination and not the journey?
If ever I've reached my destination, it would be located 6 feet underground;
Hopefully, after all my organs that are of use had been taken out for those who need it, that is.

But before I reach that inevitable stage, I think I just wanna enjoy the ride a little.
Feel a little of everything, taste a little of some, take in a lot of all.

What say you,
wanna join me?

Hmm.

2007-09-10T17:19:00.000+08:00

My first tests results are out.

...

A part of me expected this as I was playing a fool most of the time and busy the rest of it.

Blardy well studied for the tests the day / night before.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I stayed in the library for 9 hours straight cramming for one of the tests?!

Crazy.

Now the question is this,
Should I let go of all the other responsibilities, forgo lepak time and focus on my studies instead?

...